Don't Look
by frankie.j
Summary: They never kissed nor cuddled before or afterwards. No loud moans or groans of each other's names ever passed their lips. This was how it had to be.  Tegan and Sara
1. Chapter 1

Tegan always let Sara make the first move. Sara was the independent one, the one who felt most comfortable on her own, who doesn't like to spoon and doesn't even like Tegan touching her. Tegan would never just start touching Sara, Sara had to initiate it first.

So as Tegan walked out of the bathroom of the hotel room Sara and her were sharing, she made sure Sara at least got the idea Tegan was wanting her affection. She wore only a black pair of underwear and a white singlet. This is how it worked, Tegan would tempt Sara, give her the idea of touching Tegan. And then Tegan would wait for Sara to decide whether she was going to respond. Tegan walked between the space of their single beds. Sara was already under the covers watching Tegan's movements. Tegan bent over to pull the covers that had been tucked underneath her mattress out, letting Sara get a view of her round tight bum. The only lights in the room were from the glow of the digital clock on the bedside table, which green hue gave Sara a clear view of her sister. Tegan then got into the bed, facing away from Sara and waited.

It wasn't long before she felt the weight of another body filling the space behind her and her sisters body curl up against her back. Tegan did not turn around, ever since this had begun Sara and Tegan had never actually looked at each other while doing this. It was like as long as they didn't face each other or even acknowledge what was happening, maybe it wasn't happening at all. Sara's hand quickly snaked around to rest on Tegan's flat stomach just above her underwear. Tegan reached behind herself and rested her hand in the same place on Sara. Sara's hot breath was on Tegan's neck. They stayed in that position, Tegan refusing to move until Sara did. Both girls were already panting hard, out of breath from the mere thought of being touched by the other.

Sara slipped her hand underneath Tegan's underwear and let her finger trace her sister's slit, feeling the warmth and the wet covering her fingers. Tegan copied her sister's actions but rested her fingers over Sara's clit, slowly moving them in circular motions. Any hesitation that was between the two girls was now gone. Sara, with two fingers, entered her sister and began thrusting in and out of Tegan's pink wet walls fast and hard. Tegan took the hint and did the same, sensing the desperation in her sister's movements. In the dark they fucked each other, both refusing to moan out loud. Their heavy breathing and the occasional gasp was all that could be heard from the dark room, but no one was around to hear them.

Tegan was moving her hips with her sister's thrusts, she needed this badly from her sister. And yes, from her sister especially. Sara's forehead was pressed hard against Tegan's shoulder as she bit down on her lip to keep herself from crying out.

This is how it always was, rushed and brief. Usually it always happened at night, so no eye contact could even accidently be established. They never kissed nor cuddled before or afterwards. No loud moans or groans of each other's names ever passed their lips. This was how it had to be. They never talked about it. Tegan herself doesn't even know why she wants to be fucked by her sister so desperately. And she's pretty sure nor does Sara. Tegan would never admit it, but for some reason Sara just makes her so fucking wet that she spends all day just waiting and hoping Sara needs it too and that she will pick up on Tegan's hints and crawl into her bed.

Sara comes first, riding out her orgasm on Tegan's fingers while simultaneously quickening the pace of her own fingers in and out of Tegan. Tegan can tell Sara is coming because she bites down on her shoulder, muffling her screams. Just the feeling of Sara's teeth on her skin is enough to push Tegan over the edge and she finds herself gasping and pressing her face into her pillow as she too feels the waves of her orgasm crash over her.

Once Sara regains her breath she removes her fingers from her sister's warmth and removes herself from Tegan's bed. Tegan remains in the same position, facing away from Sara and staring at the wall, letting the shame wash over her now. Sara in her own bed stares at the ceiling, she quickly glances over to Tegan's silhouette and unable to resist, let's her fingers that were only minutes ago inside Tegan graze her lips before putting them into her mouth to taste the forbidden fruit that is her sister.


	2. Chapter 2

_So the first chapter was short and more of an introduction, I've posted some of this story in another website and gained some positve views. I love feedback so please feel free to review and hopefully enjoy too._

Tegan wakes up first and is showered and dressed before Sara's out of bed. Tegan doesn't feel the need to wake her just yet, Sara is always really fucking moody the night after, so Tegan leaves the room in search of food on her own. She stares at her reflection in the elevator doors as she waits, letting the similarities between her face and her sister's depress her already downward spiralling mood. Tegan always feels a little dirty, a little used the night after.

As the elevator doors open she feels the vibration of her phone in her pocket, Lindsey's name appears on the screen. She smiles despite herself and tries her best to sound in a good mood. "Hey Linds." She answers while walking through the hotel towards the buffet. "Tegan, you sound like shit. What's wrong?" Tegan sighs, she can't fool Lindsey no matter how hard she tries, and yet she still tries. "Nothing's wrong, just tired I guess." Tegan says. "Fuck off Tegan, who do you think you're talking to? Is it Sara again?" Tegan goes quiet, not wanting to talk about it. "God Tegan, how long are you going to let this go on for? It's going to kill you." Lindsey is the only person in the world besides herself and Sara who knows exactly what goes on between herself and Sara.

One night Sara had wanted Tegan so much Tegan let her fuck her against an alley wall on the way back from a club they had been in with the rest of the band and Lindsey. Unbeknownist to them, Lindsey had decided to head back too and witnessed their rushed tryst. Lindsey felt close to Tegan, previously telling her of her confusion with her own sexuality, and approached her about what she had seen which immediately lead to her comforting the sobbing Tegan. Tegan broke down in Lindsey's arms confessing everything. Confessing her encounters with her sister in the dark of the night and just how confused and torn she was about the whole thing. It was then they decided they would get together. Lindsey would explore her sexuality with Tegan, while Tegan would try and pull herself together and get over whatever it is she had going on with Sara.

But so far it hasn't worked, if anything Lindsey being Tegan's girlfriend has increased Sara's appetite for her sister and Tegan often would find herself woken up every night by Sara crawling into her bed. At least though Tegan can relax when Lindsey is around knowing Sara won't try anything, but their always touring and Lindsey has her own career and she can't be with Tegan always. Tegan likes having Lindsey around, it makes her feel calmer. Knowing Lindsey knows the truth feels like a weight has been lifted ever so slightly from her shoulders. Tegan also likes to sometimes pretend they are a real couple, doing normal couple things and just being in love, instead of her pathetic reality that involves her fucking her own sister. She has slept with Lindsey, shown Lindsey what it is to make love with a woman because she does love Lindsey, she's just not in love with her despite how desperately she wishes she was.

Deep down Tegan knows that what Lindsey and her have isn't going to last for much longer. Lindsey is convinced she is a lesbian now and it won't be long before she finds someone who can love her unconditionally, without the baggage Tegan is carrying. And when that happens, Tegan will be alone again. Alone to be taken over completely by her obsession and to remain empty in an emotionless pit of unspoken words and unseen fucks. But for now she has Lindsey. It surprises Tegan even now how Lindsey reacted when she confirmed that it was indeed Sara fucking her senseless in the alley. The only disapproval Lindsey seemed to show was towards the way their encounter took place. Sara behind Tegan, pushing her up against the wall, violent movements to a violent orgasm.

Lindsey hates the way Sara and Tegan treat each other, she understands that they obviously feel very confused towards each other but wishes they would at least talk things through. Instead she watches on as Tegan suffers in silence from her confusing obsession with her own sister and then there's Sara's own refusal to acknowledge that anything is actually going on. Lindsey can see it though, the way Sara looks at Tegan, the way she watches her every move and can't help but feel uncomfortable as soon as Lindsey becomes even a little bit affectionate with Tegan. Sometimes Lindsey does it on purpose, touches Tegan in front of Sara just to get some sort of reaction out of her. Although she immediately ends up regretting it when she hears from Tegan about a rough fuck that occured after she had left.

Tegan blames herself though, no matter how hard she tries she just cannot say no to her sister. And she doesn't know why. Lindsey has always known since the beginning that Tegan would not be able to deny Sara. But in their own twisted way, Tegan and Lindsey need each other right now. Lindsey is the only person Tegan can cry to and Lindsey's confusion within herself was something she would have never been able to deal with on her own.

"Lindsey it's fine seriously, I really am just tired and yes Sara has something to do with that but I'm fine." Tegan's got the phone wedged between her ear and her shoulder as she grabs herself some toast and a small container of strawberry jam from the buffet table. "Fine. I was just ringing to tell you that I'm coming down to your show tomorrow. Before I have to leave for my photo shoot in New York." Tegan smiles at this. "Really? God that's great, I haven't seen you in ages." "Yeah well hopefully I can get your sorry ass smiling for a little while." Lindsey says. Tegan chuckles and agrees before saying her goodbyes and settling in to eat her toast at a table near a window. It isn't long before she is joined by Ted, followed by a sleepy looking Johnny and Shaun. It's now only Sara that they are all waiting for.

When Sara does finally arrive Tegan keeps her head down and fixates on eating her toast. Sara greets everyone with a good morning and goes about her breakfast as normal. It won't be until at least a few more hours that Tegan and Sara will feel comfortable being each other's sisters again, but nobody ever notices. Tegan leaves the table before Sara is finished in order to pack her suitcase without the presence of Sara in the room they had previously fucked in the night before. She doesn't want to have to deal with that. There will be plenty of time to be stuck on the bus with just Sara to keep her company when they drive to wherever their next destination is. Tegan is so out of it these days that it isn't until she is about to go on stage she remembers to ask where they actually are.

Tegan manages to make it out of the room with no intrusion but ends up passing Sara in the hallway. Sara doesn't look at her as they pass, it's only until she is standing in front of the door of what will be another of many hotel rooms they have slept and fucked in, that she turns to Tegan's retreating figure and sarcastically yells, "Thanks for waking me up by the way." Tegan ignores her and quickly gets into the elevator, slumping against her suitcase and wishing she was someone else.

Tegan is sweaty and tired but right now she is actually quite happy. They have one more song left and the audience have been cheering and clapping at every chance they get. Not only that but Tegan knows that tonight is one of those rare nights when she actually we'll be able to sleep. Sara won't be sneaking into her bed tonight and Tegan won't be spending half the night waiting for her to do it. Lindsey is side stage bopping her head along to the music and as if like some sort of drug Tegan can feel the calming effect of her presence from the stage.

"This one's for my girlfriend." Tegan tells the audience before beginning to play Call It Off. Tegan only messes up once and they are backstage in their dressing room in no time. Tegan is sitting next to Lindsey listening to her talk about her upcoming photo shoot. Sara walks in and plants herself in the furthest chair from them. "Tegan." Sara cuts Lindsey off. Tegan turns her head and looks at Sara wide eyed. "Yes?" Tegan doesn't want to be talking to Sara right now. "You messed up Call It Off again." Sara states bluntly. Tegan looks to Lindsey who shrugs and back at Sara. "Yeah, but I mean, the audience didn't seem to care." Tegan replies. "You insist on it being a show closer. Maybe you should practice it next time. It's not cute anymore." Despite Sara keeping her voice light-hearted and chuckling slightly at the end of her statement, Tegan can hear the bitter tone oozing from her words.

Tegan walks slowly back to the bus with Lindsey trailing along next to her. Lindsey had organised to catch her flight at the next stop so she could spend the night with Tegan on the bus. "She's got to you already hasn't she?" Lindsey asks quietly as they walk. "Why can't she just keep her fucking mouth shut? I was happy today, you know, genuinely happy." Tegan replies. "I don't know Tee, I don't know." Lindsey knows, but feels it's best not to force Tegan into another Sara talk just now. Tegan never wants to talk about Sara, the only willing conversation she has ever had about their relationship was when Lindsey first found out. But other than that, just like Sara, Tegan would rather not acknowledge the situation.

Laying in bed with a sleeping Lindsey's protective arm around her waist Tegan can't fall asleep, Sara isn't back yet. When she finally does hear the bus door open, she watches for the shadow of her sister. Sara walks slowly to the back of the bus where her bed resides on the opposite wall to her sister's, Tegan can see the outline of her shadow as she reaches the opening. Lindsey lets out a sigh in her sleep and Tegan watches as her sister's shadow freezes. Tegan doesn't know how long Sara stands there for, a black shadow, unmoving near the end of her bed. Tegan forces a sigh herself in order to unfreeze her sister and it works, leading Sara to continue her walk and get into her own bed. "Goodnight Tegan." Sara whispers. But Tegan refuses to answer.


	3. Chapter 3

Tegan is sitting on a cold bench in the cheap laundro-mat she found a block from where the bus had parked. They didn't have to leave until tomorrow and instead of having a peaceful sleep without the bumps and noises of the moving bus, she is waiting for her laundry to finish it's last spin cycle in the dryer. With her chin in her hand Tegan began to doze off, only to wake up suddenly with a jolt, a pattern which repeated itself for at least five minutes. In attempt to not fall asleep, alone, in a run down laundro-mat she took out her phone and decided on calling Lindsey. She had no idea what the time would be in New York, but she also didn't want to wake up robbed of her clothing and any other belongings she had on her.

"Hey Tegan." Lindsey answers after only two rings. "Hey Lindsey, I didn't wake you did I?" Tegan knows she didn't, but still feels the need to ask and be as polite as possible. She feels insecure right now for some reason, like she knows the expiry date on their relationship is coming to a close and that if she in anyway annoys Lindsey, she will push it sooner. "No you didn't, what's going on?" Tegan looks around, she hadn't planned anything to say and is now feeling stupid. If this was anyone else she would just act her usual charming self and tell the ridiculous story of her trying to stay awake and avoid being mugged in a laundro-mat at 2 in the morning. But this is Lindsey. The same Lindsey who knows that she often engages in incest with her own sister. The same Lindsey who if she told that sweet story to, would start asking questions as to why she can't sleep and if this inability to sleep has anything to do with the identical body filling the bed next to her. But without anything else to talk about, she decides on going with her charming self and ridiculous story.

"I'm trying to stay awake while waiting for my clothes to finish in the dryer." She says it as innocently as possible, praying Lindsey will just take it as her being her typically quirky self and not as anything more. She hears Lindsey chuckle at the other end of the line. "Why the hell are you washing your clothes now?" Tegan has to answer carefully now, nothing she says can hint towards her being discontent with being close to Sara. She doesn't even want to think about Sara right now. "The t-shirt I wanted to wear on stage tomorrow night is dirty and I wasn't sure if I'd get another chance. Besides, I have all tomorrow to sleep, just one of the many privileges of being a successful musician." Her last comment earns her a laugh and she smiles to herself while still staring at her rotating laundry.

Now sitting quietly talking to Lindsey, Tegan hears the bell on the door chime. She swears under her breath as she imagines some creepy old man coming in to wash his dirty underpants who will insist on striking up a conversation with her, but is instead greeted with the pale face and small frame of her sister. "Oh, Sara just walked in." Tegan says to Lindsey without directly saying hello to Sara. Sara gives her a closed mouth smile and gestures to her own bag of laundry.

Tegan continues to talk to Lindsey as she watches Sara unload her laundry into the washing machine. A few t-shirts and button-ups, a couple of pairs of jeans, and Sara's black underwear and bra. Tegan quickly looks away. Despite fucking Sara a numerous amount of times, she has never actually seen her sister in said underwear and bra and so right now, she can't help but imagine it. Finding it hard to concentrate anymore on what Lindsey is saying, Tegan says her goodbye, telling her how she has Sara for company now. "Okay then, well I'll talk to you soon. Love you." Lindsey replies. "Yeah okay love you too." Tegan says and puts her phone in her pocket before turning to face her sister.

"Couldn't sleep either?" Tegan questions while Sara puts the money into the coin slot. "I woke up not knowing where my sister was, so yeah." Sara replies with a blank expression on her face. Tegan hates that expression. It gives her nothing. She can't tell if Sara is pissed off or if she's just slightly annoyed or if she's just letting Tegan know that she was worried. "I went and told the guys but you were already asleep." Tegan hops on top of the dryer her clothes are in so she is sitting facing Sara who is leaning against the washing machine containing her clothes. "Yeah they told me where you were." Sara glances at her finger nails, seemingly bored with the conversation and Tegan.

They both fall into a silence, Tegan not knowing what to say and Sara not seeming to care if she is talking or not. In moments like this Tegan wants to just look at Sara with the same blank expression she gives her and just question her in the same bored tone. "Do you remember the other night when we fucked?" And then just watch as Sara explodes or possibly crumbles. The fact is Tegan has no idea how Sara would react if she brought up them sleeping together in conversation. It scares her to think that just by saying a simple sentence like that, her and her sister's relationship could all come crashing down. So Tegan always sticks to silence.

"Was that Lindsey on the phone?" Sara asks. "Yep." Tegan had just gotten comfortable with the silence. "How's the shoot going?" Sara asks. "Yeah it's good, she's tired though, was up late looking over the photos." Sara nods in response. "So it wasn't phone sex?" Sara asks. Tegan cringes. "God Sara, don't even ask that, jesus." Tegan is shaking her head and looking at the ceiling. Any form of conversation with Sara involving sex immediately makes her picture herself and Sara having sex and she doesn't feel like getting wet and wanting it from her sister right now. "What? I'm just saying. I mean you guys don't really have time for sex. So it wouldn't be wrong of me to think that you guys might-" "Sara!" Tegan cuts her off. "Stop talking." Sara crosses her arms and shrugs. "I was just saying that it's natural. Stop freaking out. Unless you guys actually don't have sex and it's a sensitive topic." Sara would never usually bring sex up as a conversation topic with Tegan, but she wants to know how far Tegan has gone with Lindsey. And no, she doesn't know why, or at least doesn't want to know why. Tegan groans. "God do you have to have the last word? Just drop it." Tegan jumps off the dryer and begins to aimlessly pace the room. Sara watches her sister's curves as she walks without even realising as she continues. "Tegan, Lindsey was straight before you. I mean it's reasonable to assume that maybe she isn't fully comfortable with the physical side of being intimate with another girl. I mean the first time I went down on a girl-" "Oh my god Sara. Shut the fuck up. Either talk about something else or don't talk at all. Lindsey and I are perfectly fine in that department okay?" Tegan says. "Oh ew, jesus Tegan, don't tell me that." Sara recoils and replies. Tegan gestures at Sara with her hands. "What? You were the one who kept asking me questions about it." Sara shrugs. "Yeah, but I didn't think you would actually answer."

Tegan begins to rant about how insane she believes Sara to be but Sara is no longer in the conversation. All Sara can think about is the fact that Lindsey has gone down on her sister. The thought disturbs her completely and she finds herself disgusted with the mere sight of her sister. "What?" Tegan asks, noticing the change in Sara's body language. "Nothing, you've just totally disturbed me right now. I can't even look at you." Sara says this in the same soft voice she always uses. To anyone else, they would hear her sweet voice and probably laugh. But Tegan isn't anyone.

Tegan remains silent for the rest of the time it takes for her clothes to finish drying. When the timer does go off, she quickly packs her clothes into her bag and leaves without saying goodbye. It's times like this when not only does Tegan hate herself for the fact she's having sex with her sister, but also because Tegan can't even so much as suggest she actually does have a working vagina to Sara without being punished. It's like Sara really doesn't remember their encounters and that sex really is a taboo and disturbing subject for them to talk about as sisters. Tegan can't help but feel so unbelievably angry towards Sara for embarrassing her, because she knows that the only reason Sara woke up to realise that Tegan wasn't there, was because she was in the process of crawling into her bed for another midnight release.

Tegan dumps her newly washed clothes still in the bag in the bottom of the wardrobe she shares with her sister, knowing full well she will regret it later when all her clothes have creases in them when she goes to wear them on stage. Sitting on her bed Tegan also realises that now she won't be able to go to sleep knowing that she left Sara in the same laundro-mat she was afraid she would get mugged in. Feeling stupid, embarrassed, angry and pathetic, Tegan grabs out the book she is reading and makes her way to the couch and begins her wait for her sister.

Sara is leaning against the dryer Tegan was on, waiting for her newly laundered clothes to now dry. She is angry. Angry and disgusted but also very frustratingly turned on. Sometimes Sara just feels repelled by everything that is Tegan. She finds that she hates her, her smile, her laugh, her hips, her legs, her everything. And when Sara gets like this, she just feels like punishing her. But when it comes to punishing her, it turns into a very different kind of repulsion. A repulsion that ends within herself as she can't help but touch her sister in all the places she shouldn't. Tegan lets her do it though, wants her to do it and even touches Sara in the same way right back. And so Sara is living in a denial that she hasn't yet shaken, where Tegan is at fault for everything.

When Sara arrives back on the bus she finds her sister lying on the couch asleep with a book on her chest. One of Tegan's legs is on the couch, the other has found it's way to the floor, her legs are open and Sara can't help but think back to the disturbing image of Lindsey going down on her sister. Sara is angry all over again. She switches off the light and stalks over to her sister removing the book from her chest. She unbuttons Tegan's jeans quickly and roughly pulls them down and off her legs.

This is when Tegan wakes up. Opening her eyes and seeing only blackness, but feeling a hand pulling her underwear down she knows exactly what is going on. A part of her wishes she had of tried harder to stay awake as to avoid leaving herself in this vulnerable position, but she can already feel herself getting wet and so knows that another part of her wouldn't have wished for anything else. Ready to be fucked into an oblivion by her uncaring, unapproachable sister, Tegan is shocked when she feels the sensation of hot breath hitting her throbbing clit. Sara has never gone down on her before, this is not their usual encounter of 'fuck and flee'. In shock Tegan grabs at the face between her legs before it can make contact with her wet, sensitive skin and lets her fingers graze the contours of the cheeks and lips, making sure it is actually her sister who is touching her. Undeniably the face of her sister, her hands are grabbed tightly by the wrists and thrown away from Sara's face. A soft wet tongue is then dragged slowly down Tegan's slit and unprepared, Tegan can't help but let a moan slip through her usually locked lips.

Tegan does not know what to do, Sara has never done this before. There is no simultaneous fucking going on, there is no pillows or limbs for her to smother her moans into. There is only Sara between her legs dipping her tongue into her wet, pink cunt. Tegan's mind is nowhere and everywhere, one hand is gripping her own thigh and the other is gripping the couch beneath her. Sara circles her clit with her tongue while she begins to enter her sister with two fingers. Tegan is tight, always is, but Sara is never gentle. Biting her lip to hold back her moans, Tegan can't help but let one slip causing Sara to pause her actions and lift her head up to look through the darkness to where her sister's face is. Tegan wants to beg her to continue, plead with her not to stop but she freezes and says nothing.

She feels Sara remove her fingers and Tegan is so close to the edge that she feels like she is going to cry if Sara leaves her like this. Once again though Sara's fingers are replaced with her tongue and she instead uses her fingers to massage Tegan's clit. Tegan is close and Sara is increasing the strokes, relentlessly lapping her tongue into Tegan's core. Tegan feels her orgasm building slowly and she can't help but thrust her hips and ride Sara's face. Sara uses one hand to hold onto Tegan's thigh and squeeze at the sensitive flesh there while keeping her face between her sister's legs. When Tegan does come Sara doesn't stop and continues to taste all of her. Tegan can't help herself. "Sar-" She quickly stops herself from finishing the word and ends with a moan in attempt to hide her mistake.

Sara however notices and grabs Tegan by her hair and pulls her into sitting position so they are facing each other. Tegan holds her breath, she can feel Sara's breath on her lips and can almost taste her. Sara grabs one of Tegan's hands, brings it up to her mouth and wipes the wetness left there into Tegan's palm. Sara then dumps Tegan's hand back down in her exposed lap and leaves to her bed at the back of the bus. In the dark Tegan scrambles around on the floor for her jeans and underwear, aware that something has changed but unsure of what.


	4. Chapter 4

They are sitting opposite each other in silence. They haven't spoken a word since they woke and the bus is moving, so there is no chance of avoiding or opportunities of escape now. Sara is holding her book in front of her face trying to read, but has only managed to read the same sentence over and over again. Tegan is eating an apple staring out the window, absentmindedly tapping her fingers against the table in a steady beat. Sara can't concentrate, Tegan's insistent tapping is driving her crazy and despite using mouth wash three times already and brushing her teeth she can still taste Tegan on her tongue.

"Tegan! Stop tapping." Sara breaks the silence. Tegan stops tapping her fingers but doesn't look over at Sara. Now finished with her apple she begins to instead twirl the core on the table by twisting the stem between her fingers. "Why do you have to sit here?" Sara asks, clearly annoyed, eyes flicking over to Tegan to give her a glare before reverting them back to her book. Tegan doesn't say anything and instead just stands up and walks to her bed at the back of the bus. Laying down and smothering her head in her pillow she wonders why and how she got herself into this mess in the first place. It had always occurred in cycles; they would get horny, they would fuck, they'd not talk, they'd talk, they'd get horny, they'd fuck. Today is different though. Both girls can feel it. Something has changed between them. Last night was not their normal silent, mutual fuck. Last night was Sara going down on Tegan and licking her out until she came in her mouth with Tegan letting out an almost moan of her name. Tegan can't help but keep rewinding and playing the scene over in her head. She doesn't regret it but she always feels like her sister does, and that's when she wishes that the whole thing never started in the first place. She doesn't want to be morally analysing herself every night because she wants to feel her sister's body against hers, and she doesn't want to be debating with herself why she keeps letting it continue. Tegan feels ridiculous, ridiculous that she is even in this situation and ridiculous for not being capable of stopping it. Every night she stands on stage and has people she doesn't know idolising her and her sister and their slightly left field lives. But little do they know that they have this twisted and demented night life that both are too pathetic to confront. She also feels humiliated and used, even from the very beginning she felt this way. It was Sara to initiate the first ever encounter they had together but it was Tegan who still came off feeling vulnerable and broken in the end.

It happened not long after Sara and Emy had broken up. They were on the road and with Emy still as their art director, they were meeting up with her at the hotel they were staying at to discuss business. Of course once the business was taken care of they went for drinks, despite Sara and Emy no longer being together they were still able to maintain their friendship with one another. On this particular night though, Tegan had headed back to the hotel room early feeling exhausted, leaving Sara and Emy to talk.

"Do you miss us?" Sara had asked, she'd only had a couple of drinks but she was feeling tipsy enough to be able to go down this line of questioning. "Sara, please, let's not go there." Emy's face looked strained. "No, I'm not saying it like we should get back together. I was just wondering if you missed the security of it. Of knowing that there was always someone to come home to." Sara said. "I can't really say I ever felt secure with you Sara." Emy had a soft expression on her face now. She wasn't trying to insult Sara or start an argument but merely tell the truth. "What are you talking about? We were married. We shared a life together." Sara wasn't upset by Emy's response, just confused. "Yes I know and I loved you, I just felt insecure most of the time. There was always something really intimidating about being with you, because there was always Tegan. I always felt like if you were made to choose between her and I you'd choose Tegan, and that I was, when it came down to it, the third wheel to your lives." Sara finished her drink as she took everything in, this was not the first time her attachment to her sister had become a problem in her relationships. "Is that why we broke up do you think?" Sara asked, not bothering to deny that she'd choose Tegan. "No, I think our relationship had just run it's course. You had let me in as much as you were able to, but with you still shutting me out despite how long we'd been together, we couldn't go any further. You and I both could feel it and so there wasn't anything really left to do but part ways" The talk was making a swift and direct turn to Sara herself now. She could be cold and distant, it was something she had learned to do when she was younger to protect herself from getting hurt. She knew it was also another source of the problems within her relationships.

"I didn't mean to keep you at a distance." Sara muttered. "But you did and still do. I realised you couldn't let me fully in, or anybody for that matter. Even Tegan. Once people begin to get too close or you begin to feel too vulnerable and exposed, you push people away. And it makes me sad Sara." Emy said. "Why?" Sara was again confused. "Because I feel like one day you'll wake up and having closed yourself off to everyone you'll be all alone. People will eventually grow tired of waiting for you to let them in and instead will find someone else who will open up to them and love them without reservations. Even Tegan won't be your safety net to fall back onto forever." Sara began to feel anxious. "What do you mean? I don't use Tegan for anything." Sara said. "Sara, come on. Yes you do. Without Tegan you would be completely out of touch with reality. As soon as you start to close in on yourself and hide away from the world, it's Tegan that brings you back out of it. And you expect her to." Sara looked down at her arms that were resting on the table in front of her and began to pull at a loose thread on her jacket sleeve while Emy continued. "I don't mean to upset you Sara, it's just one day Tegan's going to have her own family and her own life and she won't be there to remind you to live." Sara looked over at Emy shaking her head wearily. "Tegan would never leave me." She mumbled it more to herself. "She will if she has to keep forcing you to care about whether she does."

Sara walked back to the hotel confused and hurt with her thoughts running over the conversation she had had with Emy. Tegan would never leave her. Even if she did get married and started raising a family she would still find time for Sara. Wouldn't she? Sara felt like crying. Does she really push Tegan away? She has never been overly affectionate towards her sister and she has her reasons, but deep down she always thought Tegan understood that despite this, she did in fact care about her and want her around. Tegan herself has never openly told Sara that she cares. It's only on the odd occasions Tegan slips up and gives her a hug or even just a reassuring pat on the shoulder. But that's how they have always been.

Sara repeated the thought in her head, Tegan would never leave her. They'd have to part ways eventually, Sara knew that. They couldn't write music and tour the world together forever. But just because they weren't touring that does not mean Tegan and her would become distant. Sara couldn't help but think of what would happen if they did. Tegan would find love and get married and raise a little family in Vancouver. And Sara would be all alone in Montreal, getting the occasional text to remind her that it's her niece's or nephew's birthday and that she should call and wish them well, only to go back to watching reality TV contemplating why she was so alone, while knowing it was due to her own inability to let anyone in. Sara couldn't help but think as she walked, that the only person that she could ever bear to open herself up to is her sister and the thought of her not being around for Sara to do so scared her.

She was out of breath by the time she reached the hotel and almost felt like she was having an anxiety attack as she stood in the elevator. For the first time since they were going through puberty, Sara was feeling an unfathomable hatred towards Tegan. Thoughts of Tegan leaving her to be happy with someone else, leaving her alone to face the world had polluted her mind and feelings she'd had when she was a teenager that she forced herself to forget were forcing their way into her consciousness and gripping her heart. As she opened the door to the hotel room they were sharing she could hear her sister's light and even breathing. She stared at her sister through the dark, feeling her heart wrench and her brain spasm.

Slowly Sara had clenched the blankets covering Tegan in a tight shaking fist and pulled them to the floor, Tegan had shifted in her sleep but had not woken, yet. Sara looked Tegan's slim figure up and down. Long, soft legs were revealed to her due to her sister's choice of only underwear and a grey t-shirt that had gathered above her navel also revealed her hip bones. Something in Sara's brain snapped just then and she no longer could stand Tegan. She didn't know what she wanted to do, she couldn't explain how she was feeling, but she wanted Tegan to feel it too so she wouldn't be the only miserable and fucked up Quin. She straddled her sister and grabbed at her sister's thighs desperately, gripping them in her hands to commit their shape to memory. She heard Tegan startle as she then woke and she quickly bent over her hiding her head in the pillow beside Tegan's while using one of her hands to cover her mouth from any protests. She didn't want to see or hear Tegan right now, she just wanted to hate her. This is the beginning of what the groggy but now conscious Tegan remembers of the night. Tegan immediately began to fight back. She knew it was her sister on top of her, she could recognise the sound of her breathing and the smell of her shampoo, but having her there was making her feel uncomfortable and trapped and scared and she just needed her to get the fuck off. Sara kept her hand firmly over Tegan's mouth and kept herself steady, using her position on top of Tegan to her advantage as Tegan used both her arms to try and push her off. With muffled protests Tegan failed to get her smaller framed sister to budge and Sara could feel Tegan's squirming begin to subside.

Sara, with her free hand, grabbed one of Tegan's and pushed it down the front of both her jeans and underwear so the bare flesh of Tegan's hand came into contact with the bare flesh between Sara's legs. Sara had no idea what she was doing but wasn't going to stop to think about it. Tegan tried to retract her hand but Sara once again used her advantage of being on top to pin her hand between them with her body. With Sara's hand still holding Tegan's she forced her to begin to slowly rub her clit. Tegan remained silent now and Sara refused to lift her head from it's hiding place of the pillow to look at her face. Once Sara felt Tegan was doing most of the movement on her own she lifted herself up a little allowing Tegan to push her hand further down her pants. Sara removed her own hand from her jeans and immediately proceeded to palm her sister, biting her lip at the feeling of her also being wet.

Tegan let out a muffled gasp and began to squirm again, only to result in Sara's hand rubbing against her. Sara quickly slipped her hand inside of her sister's underwear and without warning pushed two fingers into her, listening to her sister moan right next to her ear, out of pain or pleasure she did not care to know. Either way Sara would later find it sickening. Sara rocked her hips forcing her sister's barely moving hand to rub her, while she was roughly fucking her sister into the mattress. Sara could feel hot tears collecting around her hand covering her sister's mouth and without even realising it there was a collection of her own angry tears in the pillow she was smothering her moans into.

Forcing a third finger into her tight sister, Sara gasped when she felt Tegan's fingers entering her own wet core. Tegan thrust her fingers in gentle yet deep strokes, causing Sara to momentarily feel that this was a hint for her to ease her own thrusting, but quickly disregarded it. Tegan needed to be reminded of Sara's existence. Sara wanted Tegan to feel Sara tomorrow, even when the sweat from her body had long been washed away and the feeling of her weight on top of her only a memory.

They came together, Sara felt Tegan gasp and shudder beneath her fingers while Sara, whose head had now made it's way to rest against Tegan's clavicle, sunk her teeth into Tegan's shoulder. Once Sara felt she had her breath back, she pulled her hand out of her sister's underwear, tugged Tegan's hands out of her own and lastly removed her hand from Tegan's mouth. Standing without looking at Tegan, Sara was up and buttoning her jeans with her back to her in seconds. Tegan searched for a glimpse of her sister's face, anything to help her process what had just happened and let her know that this was not going to fuck everything up. But Sara did not turn, she instead headed towards the door. "Sara?" Tegan had called out in a cracked and wavered voice. But Sara was already out the door, leaving Tegan broken in bed.

Tegan, lying in bed today, can still remember the pain she was in the day after their first time. Physically she was hurting from the far from gentle antics of her sister, she remembers looking at herself in the mirror and studying the crescent shape bruise on her shoulder from her sister's teeth days after. Emotionally she had been a wreck, as Sara was refusing to acknowledge what happened and Tegan all together. Wherever Tegan was, Sara was not. It wasn't until two weeks later Sara finally began speaking to Tegan again, and relieved that she had her sister back, Tegan decided it was best to not bring up what happened. If she had of known that by not confronting Sara then, it would lead to the situation she found herself in now, she would have slapped Sara in the face a long time ago and screamed at her. "We fucked, care to comment?"

It was at least two months afterward though, that Tegan can honestly say that the sick cycle they're in now began. Tegan couldn't help but see her sister differently after what had happened, she would find herself staring at her own long, pale fingers, thinking about how they were once inside of Sara and would proceed to become embarrassingly wet. And so when the night arrived that Sara came up behind her and pushed her up against the door in their dark hotel room, she didn't even try and fight her off. She instead reached behind herself and slipped her hand into her sister's jeans and unbeknowisnt to them both, began a cycle they would find themselves both dying to stay in and get out of.


	5. Chapter 5

It had started with a simple question, which soon evolved into some eloquent arm twisting and the answer yes. Sara, who had been in a bad mood all day, somehow let herself be convinced to attend a club with Ted, Johnny, Shaun and Tegan. They had finished a show which Sara had been off on her own tangents for the entire duration of (a withdrawal from avoiding speaking with Tegan), when Ted convinced her to join everyone on their rare night out. Usually Sara just goes to bed and reads after shows, but Ted wouldn't let up and she didn't feel like sitting in the bus alone, waiting for a drunk Tegan to return to her. So tonight, Tegan and Sara were both drinking, a lot. A drunk Tegan and Sara were rare. Tegan usually would get a little tipsy and Sara indulged in a couple of glasses of wine, but tonight, Sara decided she would hit the liquor hard and Tegan was simply following suit. They are all sitting squished in a booth in one of the far corners of the club, talking animatedly and laughing with each other. They all need this, a night to unwind, a night away from routine. Tegan and Sara had begun the night sitting as far away from each other as possible on either side of the booth, but as the night continued and the drinks kept coming, they found themselves sitting next to each other talking and giggling with an occasional light-hearted argument.

Tegan is smiling as she talks to Ted, she is aware of the pressure Sara's thigh is creating as it pushes against her own and she can't help but push back as she talks with her perfectly unaware band mate. She is currently in the 'happy drunk' stage of the evening and is for once not letting the feelings of guilt wash over her. She knows she is talking too loud, she knows she is laughing too hard and she knows she is enjoying the feeling of her sister's leg pushed up against hers, but at the moment that is okay. Sara on the other hand is past the 'happy drunk' stage and has moved onto the slightly less innocent stage of the 'horny drunk'. Not that Sara would ever let this thought occur to her sober, but Tegan's thighs have always been a certain weakness for Sara. They are slightly more rounder than her own, slightly more touchable and when they would fuck it was something she could never quite get enough of, always groping and stroking them. Tegan has never been one for mini shorts but luckily for Sara, she was one for skinny jeans and the jeans she had on tonight are by far the tightest Sara has ever seen her in.

As subtly as she can, Sara lets her hand drift to her own thigh under the table as she talks with the attention of the whole table. With the covering of the table top itself, and the slightly intoxicated and therefore less observant eyes of her companions, Sara feels confident in sliding her hand across to her sister's leg. She rests her open palm flat against Tegan's thigh and gives it a gentle but purposeful squeeze. Tegan's eyes widen slightly as she glances down at her lap to confirm that yes, Sara's hand is on her thigh despite being out in public. With Sara still talking, Tegan continues looking straight ahead, she can't bear to look in her sister's direction, afraid of what she might or might not see. Tegan being naturally paranoid, is already convinced someone will notice the change in her behavior and concentrates on keeping a blank expression on her face. Sara's hand feels as if it is on fire where it rests against her, as if her whole body has become hyper aware of the contact. Tegan is sitting at the opening of the booth, so she tries to slide over slightly to her rid herself of this decidedly unwelcome contact, but instead of taking the hint, Sara who is now engaged in a debate with both Ted and Johnny while Shaun is off getting more drinks, makes the small but very significant journey from having her hand on Tegan's thigh to having her hand on Tegan's crotch.

Tegan's jaw immediately stiffens as she clenches her teeth. Her breathing is becoming heavier and she locks eyes on a mirror she notices for the first time on the wall she is facing behind Ted's head. It's dark, so she cannot see herself or Sara's reflection clearly, but from the occasional flickering of lights she can make out Sara's face every now and then. Sara looks calm and relaxed and she is continually participating in the conversation around her. If it weren't for the fact Tegan already confirmed it was Sara's hand between her legs, she would have doubted it based on Sara's demeanor. The only physical indication that Sara gives to her hand being between her sister's legs, is when she begins to bite her lip as she also begins to rub Tegan through her jeans. Tegan, drunk or not, knows this is wrong. Never before have they engaged in something as risky as this. If Sara is not careful, not only will they finally have to confront the issue of sex with each other, but they may also have to explain themselves to their friends.

Tegan furrows her eye brows as Sara continues her tortuously persistent hand movements. Tegan's jeans are acting as a barrier, preventing Tegan from experiencing what she knows Sara's long elegant fingers are capable of, but allowing just enough pressure to continuously remind her. Without realising, Tegan spreads her legs further apart allowing Sara better access to slide her hand further between her legs. Her stomach is in knots and her body on fire as the pleasure slowly begins to build. She is in her own world now, where it is just her and her sister, touching her in her most intimate of places. Tegan raises her hips slightly in order to intensify the friction Sara's hand is creating on her clit. It is at this point Tegan remembers where they are and who they're with and for the first time in over an hour abruptly speaks up. "I'm going out for a smoke." Tegan had quit smoking a long time ago, but it was at times like this she would resort back to her old habit in order to calm herself down. Tegan had quickly stood up after her announcement, leaving Sara to retract her hand back into her own lap. "You don't even have smokes." Johnny says looking confused, they all know Tegan smokes when she is upset sometimes, but they had not noticed any reason for Tegan to be upset. They thought Sara was the one in the bad mood. "It's fine, I'll find some." Tegan is shaky as she walks away and back over to the bar. She had noticed the bartender had a pack of cigarettes in his pocket when it was her turn to go up and order drinks and after an awkward exchange, with a smoke and blue lighter in hand heads outside.

Tegan stands outside in the quiet street with smoke filling her lungs feeling beat. Something had changed between Sara and her, Sara was breaking all their unspoken yet important rules. She was becoming unpredictable and Tegan did not know how to handle it. Going down on Tegan and now feeling her up in public? Never before would Sara have let something like this occur, she was becoming more and more aggressive with Tegan everyday and Tegan was not sure whether it was a good thing. Tegan should have used the opportunity in the club to look at Sara, there was no way she would have reacted badly in front of the boys without raising suspicion, and it would have given Tegan the chance to look Sara in the eye, force her to acknowledge Tegan while she was rubbing her clit raw through her jeans. But once again, Tegan took the easy way out and avoided having to confront Sara. Finishing her smoke, Tegan slowly makes her way back inside, returning the blue lighter to the bartender. As she thanks him for his services, she notices Sara is also at the bar, talking to a woman. The woman is dressed in tight blue jeans and a loose black singlet, her long brown hair hangs past her shoulders. The woman is positioned with her back to Tegan between her and Sara, so Tegan can see Sara's reactions to whatever she is saying. Just like when she saw her face in the mirror when she was touching Tegan, Sara is biting her lip. Sara looks directly at Tegan, holding her gaze as she reaches forward and delicately examines the woman's necklace in her hand, curiously watching Tegan. Tegan says nothing, just continues to stare until Sara has no choice but to look away and at the woman she is currently engaging in conversation. Tegan turns on her heel quickly and heads over to the boys table announcing she has had enough and is going to leave. Before the boys can offer to walk back with her, Tegan is heading for the exit, leaving Sara with her new friend and the image of her retreating figure.

Tegan is walking furiously down the street until she is running. Sara had gone from feeling Tegan up under the table one minute, to flirting with a total stranger the next. But what did she expect? Tegan had Lindsey, Sara had no one, so of course she would be looking for someone to be with. Perhaps if she does find someone Sara's nightly visits would cease and Tegan would not have to worry about putting a stop to it herself. But the thought of not being able to touch Sara ever again sends a rushing wave of sadness directly to Tegan's heart, so much so that it becomes painful to breathe. Tegan forces herself to stop running and she quickly realises that blindly running through the streets at night in a city unfamiliar to her, was a bad idea, as she now does not recognise her surroundings and cannot think to where she could have made a wrong turn. Tegan leans against the wall of the building closest to her and let's the cool bricks soothe her pounding head. She has definitely reached the 'depressed drunk' stage and wishes she were on the bus in bed, hiding from the world under her blankets. Tears spring to her eyes and she tilts her head back willing them not to fall, now was not the time for crying.

Tegan once again scans her surroundings, she recognises a big pink building on the opposite side of the street, she can remember noticing the offensive colour of it while she was looking out the window on the way to the venue, but can't remember which street they were traveling down at the time or what direction they were going. Despite trying her best to think back, the alcohol is still in effect and everything is hazy. Tegan is broken out of her thoughts to the sound of her phone ringing from her pocket. She glances at the name on the screen, Sara. "Hi." She answers bluntly, remembering Sara biting her lip as she spoke to the brown-haired woman at the bar. "Tegan, where are you? I'm at the bus and you're not here. Tell me where you are." Sara is speaking fast and she sounds out of breath. Maybe Tegan wasn't the only one who had gone for a run. "I don't know where I am." Tegan says, scanning the now familiar yet still unknown setting she has wound up in. "You don't know? Jesus Tegan, it's the middle of the night and you're the size of a fucking pixie, you're just asking to become a victim." Tegan sighs as she hears Sara moving around and cursing to herself. "I'm near that pink building, the one we passed on the way to the venue." Tegan spots a glass bus shelter and walks over to it as she waits for Sara's reply. "Stay there, I'm coming to get you."

Sara hangs up before Tegan can even say good bye. She sits down on the lonely bench at the bus shelter and can't help but feel lonely with it. The street is silent and empty, anyone who would have reason to be in this street during the day, is probably in bed with the one they love, carelessly dreaming of exotic places and older but much more innocent times. Tegan's head is pounding and she is scared and all she wants is for Sara to be here. She hunches over and rests her arms on her legs with her head in her hands. Why did she have to run? Why did she have to get lost? Why did Sara have to be looking for someone to be with? Why did she have to care? Her phone begins to ring again and she quickly answers, knowing who it's going to be. "Where are you?" Tegan immediately asks still hunched over but now with her phone pushing against her ear. "I'm here." Sara says and Tegan hears a tap on the glass behind her. She swivels and stares at what could almost be passed as simply her own reflection in the glass and is met by a soft, gentle, tired yet kind smile from her sister. "Come on Tee." Sara says into the receiver and so Tegan gets to her feet and walks around the glass to her.

"You scared me." Sara says quietly as they walk. "I know." Tegan replies. "Why did you leave?" Sara asks. "I don't know." Tegan says staring at her feet. "Why did you leave?" Asks Tegan. "Because you left and I didn't know if you were safe. When I got to the bus I called your name but you didn't answer me. I ran all the way back to the club again to see if I had some how missed you on the way, but I couldn't see you. So I ran back to the bus again incase you were there and just ignoring me and I hadn't properly checked, but again you weren't there." Says Sara. "Oh" Is all Tegan says not knowing how to respond, she had not meant to get so lost, both physically and mentally.

Once safely in the bus and in their beds, Tegan finally speaks again, knowing now what to say. "Sara?" She asks into the darkness. "Yes?" Comes Sara's quiet and sleepy reply. "Thank you."


	6. Chapter 6

Sara sits on the edge of her bed with her warm feet touching the cool, familiar carpet. Tegan's back is to her and just like all the other nights, Sara knows she can easily slide her body in behind her and feel what she craves. She had felt the warmth coming from beneath Tegan's jeans once that night, but that wasn't enough. Sara wants to feel the warmth directly on her fingers and revel it in surrounding them. She wants to feel her sister's wet, pink cunt soak her fingers and she wants to be able to smell it on them while she sleeps. Sara stands and walks over to Tegan's sleeping form, trying her best to observe the shape of her body from underneath her sheets in the dark. However, just as she bends to lift the sheets, Tegan turns over so her face is nearly aligned with Sara's. Sara freezes, but using what light there is in the room she is able to make out Tegan's still and sleeping face. She stays where she is and allows herself just this once to appreciate her twin. She lets her eyes wander her face, their face. A face that is so similar yet so different. She lifts her hand slowly and as lightly as she can she runs one of her fingers along the bridge of Tegan's nose. The touch is so light Sara can hardly tell whether she is actually touching her at all. Sara continues the journey of Tegan's face, lightly grazing her forehead and cheeks until she reaches her lips. She traces their shape, they are soft against the pads of her fingers. Her lips have never touched nor tested this softness. Sara imagines what it would be like to kiss Tegan, she momentarily contemplates the small distance between their lips and how Tegan would never know if she was to close that distance and kiss her while she slept. Sara however, soon disregards the thought and reminds her still slightly intoxicated self who the sleeping girl in front of her is. Sara stands and slips her body back into her own, now cold bed, and keeps her eyes on her sister's face until she too succumbs to sleep.

Tegan has been watching Sara watch her, ever since they woke up. For some reason everything Tegan has been doing requires the scrutinizing eyes of her sister and Tegan cannot help but feel uncomfortable. Sara usually pays Tegan as little attention as possible, so Tegan is connecting this new found attention to the unusual behavior Sara has been displaying between them lately when it comes to their already twisted affair. Sara has barely spoken to her all day but her eyes follow Tegan's body wherever she goes, even letting them linger on certain aspects of her anatomy quite obviously. Tegan is currently sitting in a bathroom stall of a small restaurant they are all eating dinner in, giving herself a break from her sister. Whatever they have going on has become unbearably intense very quickly and Tegan is not sure if she can cope. When it first began and they would simultaneously fuck each other in the dead of the night, Tegan could almost pretend that it was just a dream and that it had not even happened at all. Sara has been changing the pattern though, her advances are becoming more forceful and her timing disarming. But now, as Tegan wants Sara more and more, she wants these silent fucks less and less. The emotionless nature of her and Sara's relationship is taking it's toll on Tegan. Ever since they began this Tegan and Sara have become less open with each other. They barely talk about anything important anymore as if now that they are fucking, they are afraid to connect on an emotional level. But Tegan for once feels like she needs to and more specifically wants to talk. Desperately though, she also wants to cry.

Sara is feeling sick. She has been all day. She doesn't feel physically sick, rather sick of herself. No matter how hard she tries, she cannot seem to get her sister out of her mind. She has been watching Tegan trying to pinpoint exactly what it is that attracts her to her sister, so that maybe she can get over it. She once thought that perhaps it was just the proximity she has with Tegan all the time that lead to their encounters. But she knows that isn't true, especially when she left the brown-haired girl at the bar last night, who had appeared more than willing, to find her sister. That thought of course frustrates Sara even more. While Tegan spends her time fucking Lindsey, Sara should have someone to be with herself.

Tegan walks out of the restroom and as calmly as possible approaches the table. "Hey guys, I don't feel like dessert, I think I'm just going to head back." The boys all shrug and nod their heads, too busy debating between themselves about what dessert their going to pick from the menu. Sara shakes her head. "Tegan no, just wait for us all to finish and then we can go back all together." Tegan looks over to Sara, who currently looks tiny sitting next to the three boys. It is strange for Tegan to think that this is the girl she let's dominate her night after night, but then again they are the same size. They are twins. "I don't want to wait, I'll be at the bus." Tegan begins to walk away and Sara quickly gets up to follow her. Sara catches Tegan's wrist in the doorway before quickly letting it go again. "Tegan quit being so stubborn. Last night you got fucking lost remember? Why can't you just wait so we can walk back together?" Tegan takes a step back so she is out of Sara's reach. "What can I say?" Tegan says and begins to walk away. "I have a tendency to makes mistakes at night don't I?"

Sara manages to sit with the boys for half an hour before she cannot stand it any longer and heads back to the bus herself. She is upset that Tegan referred to what they do as mistakes. In order to protect her mind and heart though, Sara convinces herself she does not care and instead lets anger take hold of her over Tegan's refusal to stay. When she enters the bus she can hear Tegan shuffling around in the bathroom and sits on the couch waiting for her to finish whatever she is doing. When Tegan does and enters the room, Sara observes her red nose and her cloudy eyes and immediately can tell she has been crying. Indeed, when Tegan had arrived back at the bus she had collapsed into uncontrollable sobs that were pushing to be released, only to have her time alone cut short by Sara's arrival. Sara however, does not feel sorry for her. If anything seeing her sister's adorable red nose makes her more angry. Sara had always been seen as the less emotional twin, as the colder and harder one. But deep down, Sara feels like crying too. She feels just as bad as Tegan and wants to break down alone on the bus herself. But as usual, instead she tries to remain in control, masking her sadness by disconnecting herself from others and pulling away.

Once again they aren't going anywhere tonight and are stuck in the same small town as yesterday and are sleeping in the buses to save money. They cannot afford to pay for hotels in every city they stop at, so they save it for the main cities. Sara goes outside and sits propped against a street light near the bus with her book in hand until it gets too cold for her to stand in her thin shirt and jeans. When she enters the bus for the second time that night, Tegan is now on the couch watching TV, her face returned to normal. Sara sits beside her and after an uncomfortable five minutes passes, Tegan says good night to Sara and leaves her on the couch by herself. Sara is once again finding she is not in the mood for sleeping.

She instead heads to the back of the bus and waits sitting on her bed for Tegan to finish up in the bathroom. When Tegan exits and sees her sister staring at nothing and showing no indications of getting into bed, she stops momentarily before cautiously continuing to walk over to her own bed, shuffling her sheets around to find her pajamas with her back to Sara. Sara stands and takes this opportunity to walk the small distance over to Tegan's inviting body, sliding her hands over Tegan's hips, ceasing any more of her movements. She reaches around to the front of Tegan's shirt and begins unbuttoning it. Tegan is confused, never has Sara bothered to undress her before. Tegan's breathing is already beginning to speed up as each breath she takes and releases is uneven and heavy through her parted lips. Tegan shakes her head at herself and looks up at the ceiling as if it were to blame for her problems. Sara pulls Tegan's shirt off of her body and places her hands back at Tegan's round hips. She lets her hands trace Tegan's sides but avoids touching her breasts and instead moves her hands to the back of Tegan and unhooks her bra. Tegan remains still and lets her sister do what she wants because she knows that she wants it too. Tegan is scared though, Sara's newly erratic behavior and the intimacy that is being exchanged between them right at this very moment is almost too much for her already fragile mind to handle. Sara removes her own shirt and bra behind Tegan and presses her naked chest against Tegan's back, reveling in the feeling of their naked bodies against each other, while snaking her hands around to the front of Tegan's jeans. With one hand she unbuttons them and with the other she presses her hand firmly into the center of Tegan's back so she has to rest her hands on her bed.

Slowly, Sara pushes Tegan's jeans with her underwear, down her hips and legs and helps Tegan step out of them. For the first time since they were innocent children, Tegan is completely naked in front of Sara. Sara presses herself into her sister's ass and lets her hands roam Tegan's curves. Tegan is feeling overwhelmed by the gentleness in which Sara is touching her, for once Sara is not rushing this. Tegan then feels it, the foreign hardness in her sister's jeans that should not be there and quickly realises Sara is packing. Tegan begins to feel anxious, she rarely is the one being fucked when it comes to this and the last time it had happened was a very long time ago. When Sara had purchased the harness and purple dildo before the tour began, she had told herself it was for if she met someone and has been trying to convince herself that that was the truth ever since. Today, Sara had felt like she wasn't good enough for Tegan, so just then when Tegan went to the bathroom to get ready for bed, she had put the harness on and adjusted it over her thin hips and tucked the phallus away, waiting for Tegan to return.

Sara takes off her own jeans now, slipping them slowly down her thighs while still keeping her eyes firmly on her sister's exposed flesh. Sara gives Tegan a gentle push in the back of her thigh and guides her onto all fours on top of her bed. Sara then runs her hands over Tegan's smooth back and uses her own knee to part her sister's legs further. From here, Sara guides the dildo with her hands and rests the tip at the opening of Tegan's dripping pussy. Tegan bites her lip in fear, nervous to be letting Sara do something she has only ever let her first girlfriend do when she was a teenager. But fear is something that has always fueled their fucks. Sara wastes no time in pushing the smooth phallus all the way into her sister, her dripping core supplying all the lubricant needed. Relentlessly Sara begins her thrusting, the pace is quick and constant and Tegan drops her head low towards the bed as she feels tears begin to stream down her face. Her mind won't shut up and let her just feel. Thoughts are rushing through her brain causing her to question whether her sister actually cares about her at all or only about this, about getting off. But she doesn't make a move to stop what is happening.

Sara is lost in her sister. She tilts her head to the side where she can see the gentle sway of her sister's breasts as they move in time with her thrusts. Sara strains her ears to listen for Tegan's gasps, only to hear a strangled sob exiting her soft mouth. Tegan is crying again, twice in one night, Tegan is crying and Sara hasn't even cried for herself once. She presses her palm flat down against Tegan's lower back and slides it all the way up to the back of her neck. When she reaches the nape of Tegan's neck, she grabs at her hair and roughly pulls Tegan up so she is arched up against Sara's body. Tegan cries out at Sara's actions but does not pull away. Sara lets go of her hair but reaches an arm around to cup one of Tegan's breasts, keeping their bodies pressed together. Sara slows down her thrusts now, instead focusing on using her hips to fuck Tegan as deep as possible. With every thrust of her hips the base of the dildo applies the perfect amount of pressure to Sara's clit and from this stimulation alone and the sight in front of her, she knows she will come soon.

Sara let's go of Tegan's breast and instead grabs Tegan's face and forces her to turn her head so Sara can press her face against her cheek. Tegan can feel Sara's hot breath caressing her lips as she holds her head in place. One of Tegan's hands has made it's way to hold onto the back of Sara's neck for support and the other is resting on her lower back. Tears are still streaming down Tegan's face and the quiet moans that she lets escape from her mouth come out as choking whimpers. Sara uses her free hand to reach between her sister's legs and massage her aching clit. In response, Tegan grips the hair at the base of Sara's neck and drops her hips lower into Sara's thrusts. Without warning Tegan comes hard and loud with a cry. With all of her strength Sara holds Tegan's body up and with two more thrusts feels herself climax. Their faces contort together as they come and their hands grip each other hard, feeling the euphoria reach every part of their bodies.

When Sara stops thrusting she still does not let go of Tegan, apparently not yet done with her. Sara pushes her face harder against Tegan's inhaling her scent, before dropping a kiss to her shoulder and finally letting her go. Tegan collapses onto the bed and Sara exits the room without a word. Tegan's fringe is plastered to her forehead and her whole body is covered in sweat. She needs to cool down and wash her face but she can hear Sara has the same idea.

Sara is in the bathroom and, after removing the harness from her tired body, has turned the water on at the tap. She then sits her naked body on the cold floor, wraps her arms around herself, rests her head on her pale knees and finally, allowing the loud echoing of the water spilling into the sink to drown out her pain filled noises, lets herself cry.


	7. Chapter 7

Tegan is aimlessly pacing the bus with her phone in hand, waiting for Lindsey to call. Sara has pushed her over the edge and isn't stopping, and as she paces with her shoulders hunched and her head down she knows her body is portraying the defeat she feels. She is tired of Sara and she is tired of constantly tormenting herself. She had always been too conflicted and afraid to say anything to Sara about what had been going on, knowing that if she spoke up it could possibly make or break their relationship. Now however, she no longer cares, she just knows she can't live like this forever. Tegan needs something, anything to change. Good or bad it needs to happen. What they are doing to each other is unhealthy. The fact they are sisters makes the whole relationship taboo and shameful and sickening. But also the fact that they use each other for, while mind blowing, mindless sex is wrong. And, while Tegan knows all this, she still has no idea what she is going to do.

Lindsey was suppose to call her an hour ago and the anxiety Tegan has woken up with is not subsiding. Last night it had taken Tegan hours before she was able to close her eyes and fall asleep. Sara had stayed in the bathroom for over an hour before she finally came out and Tegan watched her naked silhouette in the dark, creep over to her bed and ruffle around for a shirt. Hidden by her sheets, she then had listened to Sara's breathing turn steady, waiting for herself to also slip into unconsciousness. Instead though, Tegan lay awake staring into the darkness throughout most of the night and when finally falling asleep, was only to be assaulted by unwelcome dreams.

She had woken from one of the dreams choking and spluttering and had immediately turned to reach out for Sara, only to remember that she would not be a source of comfort but only dejection. The dream had began with Tegan walking through fields of grass and over hills, it was night but the moon and stars were casting a glow that allowed Tegan to see where she was walking. No one was in sight but Tegan had a sense of urgency as she walked. She was looking for Sara, she didn't know why but her search felt desperate. She tried to call out Sara's name but no sound would come out of her throat and no matter what direction she walked, she could not find her. As Tegan walked she found herself standing in front of a fountain she had once fell into as a child. Looking into the water littered with coins, instead of seeing herself in the reflection, she was looking at Sara. Tegan dipped her hand into the water disturbing Sara's face but was unable to actually feel it. When she retracted her hand, Sara began to frown and her face began to sink deeper into the water, away from Tegan. Tegan tried to grab her but her hands would only sift smoothly through the water and cause it to splash up into her face. Sara opened her mouth as if to cry out and Tegan plunged her hands further into the fountain to try and grab her but she found that the bottom of the fountain had disappeared and that she could no longer see how deep it was. Sara was no longer trying to speak but still Tegan could tell by her eyes that she was pleading for help. In one last attempt Tegan reached her arms in as far as she could to Sara, causing her to plunge face first into the fountain and with Sara, began to drown.

The phone in Tegan's hand finally begins to ring, but only her message tone can be heard. Tegan opens the message reading Lindsey's name attached to it and reads the small black text on the screen.

'Hey T, can't call right now. I'm going to come down early tomorrow to see you. We can talk then. LB xo'

Tegan looks away from the message to the sound of movement from the back of the bus to see Sara stagger out of bed wearing Tegan's shirt. In the dark Sara had put on whatever shirt she could find last night and that shirt happened to be the one she had previously just removed from Tegan's body. Tegan stares at Sara and she stops to glance down at what she is wearing now that she can see it in the light before quickly disappearing into the bathroom.

It is after the show and Tegan is alone in her hotel room and happy to be. Sara is for once being the social Quin and is downstairs somewhere with everyone else enjoying life. Tegan has already turned all the lights off and is in bed begging for sleep. She knows what the message Lindsey has sent her means. She knows why Lindsey is coming to visit her early. She knows that this has been coming for a long time. Lindsey is either sick of pretending with Tegan or she has found someone else. Tegan is lying in bed trying to mentally prepare herself in advance for what is to come. Lindsey has been her rock for a long time now, without her Tegan feels like she is going to be thrown to the wolves or at least one wolf in particular. She is doing her best though to think positive, perhaps this is the change she needs, perhaps without Lindsey it may force her to grow a backbone when it comes to Sara.

Just as Tegan's mind begins to empty and she slowly starts to drift to sleep she hears the card being swiped at the door and the the click as it opens. Tegan listens for her sister as she pads through their hotel room, she can hear the ruffle of clothing and the occasional sigh but other than that not a sound. Tegan squeezes her eyes shut and wishes to sink into the mattress until she disappears when she feels her sister's body curl up against her. Tegan hates herself in these moments when despite what her mind thinks she feels her body already becoming aware and excited by this new contact. Sara reaches her hand around Tegan's body and as usual begins her descent into Tegan's underwear. Tegan doesn't want this, not now and not like this. Just as Sara is about to reach her destination, Tegan in a breathy and hoarse voice whispers, "No." Sara's hand stops but remains resting flat against Tegan's lower stomach. She is shocked that Tegan has actually found the guts to speak up. She quickly regains her composure and lets the sadness and bitterness she harbors towards Tegan invade her mind. "No?" Sara whispers back just as quietly. Tegan reaches her hand down and peels Sara's hand off her body and drops it behind her with the rest of Sara's limbs. "No." Tegan confirms.

Sara props herself up on her elbow and leans over Tegan searching her face in the darkness, daring Tegan to look at her. Tegan refuses and remains staring at the wall in front of her. Tegan can smell the alcohol on Sara's breath and despite Tegan already removing her hand from her body she brings it back to lightly rest on her hip. Tegan furrows her brow in brief confusion as Sara's breathing begins to become uneven and ragged and it suddenly occurs to Tegan what is happening. Sara has one hand down the front of her own underwear and is fucking herself right next to Tegan.

Sara is unforgiving in her movements, pushing her fingers in hard and fast, tightening her grip on Tegan's hip. She is staring at her sister's motionless body and at the back of her mind feels disgusted in herself as she waits to see just how much Tegan has got to say. Tegan continues staring at the wall in silence, biting her lip to prevent herself from crying while every so often being bumped forward slightly by her sister's frantic thrusting and bucking of her hips. Tegan can smell Sara's sex filling the room and it is a smell Tegan revels in every time it invades her nostrils. Tegan is turned on and completely repulsed all at the same time. As Sara comes closer to her orgasm, she once again sinks her teeth into Tegan's shoulder just like she always loves to. Tegan closes her eyes from the pain of Sara's teeth sinking into her shoulder, the pain of her fingers digging into her hip and the pain that never seems to leave her heart. Sara comes hard and her grip and the pressure of her teeth intensifies until she becomes limp and still, resting against Tegan's body.

Now that Sara is no longer touching herself, Tegan slowly turns onto her back and without looking at Sara quietly asks, "Happy?" Sara sighs and brings her hand up to Tegan's mouth, using her wet fingers that were just inside of her to trace the shape of Tegan's lips. "No." She answers and is gone from Tegan's bed. Tegan licks her lips despite herself and lets the tears leak from the corner of her eyes. Both girls know that this is the first time they are acknowledging the fact they fuck each other, but their detached and briefly shared words aren't changing things like they had thought they would. Breaking their silent barrier if anything has made the situation feel ever the more tragic and hopeless, because neither of them have the courage to actually really say anything that could mean anything at all.

Sara has always been able to keep herself in control. Tegan has always been the dramatic twin that follows her heart rather than her head, therefore leaving people to perceive her as being the more vulnerable of the two. But now, this morning, as Sara lies hiding in her bed, she feels as if soon she will shatter and break. Sara cannot help it, she used to be able to fuck Tegan and then push it out of her mind until it came to night when she would let go and do it all over again. But now she aches for it all the time, even for the freedom to just go up to Tegan and simply enclose her small hand in her own. Sara had thought she was in control of this. She thought she was getting away with it, that she could ignore it. But now it seems she instead has just been slowly losing her mind, only finally realising when it is too late and she has gone too far with Tegan to stop.

Lindsey and Tegan are sitting opposite each other in a booth at a cafe down the street from the hotel. Tegan had slipped out of their room without waking Sara, she needed to get this over and done with on her own. They had said hello to each other but now that they are sitting they both have assumed silence. Tegan can tell by Lindsey's face that she is trying to find the right words to say that would hurt her least. "It's okay Lindsey, I know." Tegan says. Lindsey sighs. "I'm sorry it's just I-" "Come on LB, don't go there." Tegan interrupts. She doesn't want to hear apologies or excuses, they both knew what this was from the very beginning. They are above apologies and excuses, but Tegan does want to know facts. "Did you meet someone?" Tegan asks. "Yes." Tegan smiles, it's a sad smile but a genuine smile all the same. "Good, I'm happy for you." Lindsey sighs again. "What about you? I want to be happy for you too." Tegan shrugs. "I'm fine. Things are getting better." Lindsey reaches her arm across the table and pulls at Tegan's open hoody, exposing the fresh teeth marks in her shoulder that she had gotten a glimpse of earlier. "That's better?" Tegan covers her shoulder with her hand and changes the subject. "You'll still call me all the time right?" Tegan asks. "Of course I will Tegan." For the rest of their time together Tegan keeps her hand on her shoulder absentmindedly tracing the teeth marks Sara had left in her skin with her fingers, while contemplating just how things could possibly get better before they got worse.

Back at the hotel, Sara kicks her bed sheets off of her body and maps out in her head the journey to the bathroom. It is only mere meters away but Sara doesn't feel like moving. One glance down to underwear clad body however, makes her decision for her and she walks into the bathroom closing the door incase Tegan comes back. In the bathroom Sara showers and afterward brushes her teeth with her ear to the door, listening for movement as she is not sure whether she is still alone or not. She has no idea where Tegan has gone or when she is coming back and she is really getting sick of her running off on her all the time. It drives Sara crazy when she does not know where Tegan is and this time is no different. Hearing no sound Sara makes her way out of the bathroom in only her towel shivering slightly at the cool air hitting her exposed wet skin. Putting on her underwear and a pair of black jeans, Sara makes her way over to Tegan's suitcase and pulls out her denim blue button up. Wrapping herself in a shirt that holds a hint of Tegan's scent, Sara finds shoes and walks out of their room, not quite prepared for what the day is about to throw at her.


	8. Chapter 8

Sara is looking for Tegan. She briefly wonders if Tegan has ever been in search for her, felt the dull but ever present panic fill her body as she walked aimlessly around for the familiar face that would not show, but she doubts it. When she had come down from her room earlier, she had found Ted and Shaun inside eating a late breakfast, this leading Sara to presume Tegan was with Johnny. However, not a short time after Sara had also began to eat, Johnny eventually showed with no sign of Tegan. None of the boys knew where she was either.

Sara tried calling her, but there was no answer. She isn't sure whether it is because something is wrong, or because Tegan just does not want to speak to her. The latter reason would not surprise Sara if it turns out to be true. "Ted?" Sara said quietly to the man sitting close next to her. "I'm going to go look around. Okay?" Ted smiled at her. "You mean you're going to go look for Tegan?" Sara nodded and sighed, she was too tired to pretend. "Do you want me to come with you?" Sara smiled, a real smile. Something she hasn't done in a long time. Ted has always been so sweet to her no matter what. No matter if he has even sensed there is something different about her and her sister's relationship that doesn't quite fit the norm. Ted will always love them, Shaun and Johnny too. "No it's okay, you enjoy your lunch. Just, let me know if she shows." After that Sara stood and rested her hand on Ted's shoulder, giving it a firm and reassuring squeeze before leaving the hotel, despite her being the one in need of reassurance.

Tegan is sitting on a swing in a park. She closes her eyes as the repetitive and constant motion of the back and forth lulls her into a false sense of security and calm. When she does open her eyes the park is completely empty with the exception of two teenagers sitting on the bench opposite her. They look to be only fourteen. The boy with his head down shyly takes the girl's hand in his before leaning across and whispering something in the girl's ear. The girl smiles and tilts her head to the side and the boy places the most delicate of kisses against her lips. It is a simple and short kiss, but it is full of love and means the world. Tegan watches on as hand in hand they walk away, swinging their hands together slowly almost in time with Tegan. Sara has never kissed Tegan. They were never the type for even pecking each other on the cheek during greetings or farewells growing up. The most Tegan has ever gotten was a kiss on the shoulder after Sara fucked her with a strap on from behind.

Tegan can remember one time when they were about six Sara had kissed her on the lips. They were playing house with the kids from the neighborhood and Tegan arrived late to be stuck with the last remaining role of the mother, Sara having already taken dad and the others the children. When it came time for the dad to leave for work, Sara in character, had said in the best gruff voice she could manage as a small child. "Goodbye honey." And then leaned over and kissed Tegan straight on the lips without hesitation. A simple and short kiss, full of love and meaning the world.

Sara is getting frustrated, Tegan still isn't answering any of her calls and it is now after lunch. Sara roams the main streets full of the different stores hoping to spot Tegan's tiny figure and idiotic smile walking her way. Exasperated Sara stops, glancing to the left she sees she has aligned herself with the entrance of a book store. Sara enters it and takes in the smell of the old books and the dull lighting and begins to clear her head and shake the tension from her body. She walks past the front desk and is about to settle into hiding away in one of the aisles, when the old man at the desk calls out to her. "Back again are we?" He says full of cheer, adjusting his glasses on his nose. Again? "Pardon?" Sara asks. "You're back. It's only been an hour and your back again. Didn't find what you were looking for?" The man adjusts his glasses again and rests his hands on the desk in front of him with a smile. Sara is a twin and is not unfamiliar with this kind of situation. "No, I suppose I didn't." She says and excuses herself to go converse with the titles of the books amongst the shelves. At least she knows Tegan is alive.

Tegan is alive but not well. She is aimlessly wandering each and every street that crosses her path. So far she has visited every store she has come into passing with, the book store her sister is now residing in being the only one she has actually enjoyed. For once Tegan is not avoiding Sara. She is avoiding everyone. She needs to be alone right now to sort out her head before she is made to interact with the world again. Her phone is on silent but she can feel the occasional vibration through her pocket every time someone calls. She knows who that someone probably will be, but she ignores it anyway.

It isn't long before once again Tegan reaches the end of another street, but this one ends in a bar. Glancing at her phone for the time and ignoring the missed calls appearing on the screen, she decides that 4 o'clock is not too early to start drinking. Tegan spends the next two hours sitting on an worn out stool, drowning her sorrow in the company of strangers.

Sara, just like she had planned, wasted the entirety of her day sitting in a dark and dusty corner with a book in her lap in the book store. She would occasionally look up to watch the old man scurry back and forth stacking shelves and would sometimes even come over to help. In return, the man has let her stay for as long as she has wanted in the corners of her fortress with her book of choice that she is being allowed to keep free of charge. Sara's legs are asleep when she finally does decide it's time to leave, momentarily checking her phone for a call or message that isn't there before emerging from the darkness of the shelves. "Thank you." She says to the old man as she approaches his desk. "Are you alright my dear?" He asks her before she can leave. "Yes." Sara says and turns to leave but hesitates and turns back. "Sir, why would you ask me that?" He takes his glasses away from his face before he answers, allowing Sara to see his tired yet still clear blue eyes. "I only ask because you came in this morning looking distant and distressed. And then returned barely an hour later, dressed differently yet still troubled. Is someone trying to hurt you?" Sara sighs. "No, someone isn't _trying_ to hurt me. But they are." The man raises his eyebrows and puts his hand over his heart with a knowing smile and nods. "Well, you can take refuge amongst my books anytime."

Sara leaves the store, it's now dark and quiet and it's as if she is in a different street from the bustling and bright one she had hidden from earlier. With no messages from Tegan or Ted, Sara still does not know where her sister is. She walks along the street looking at each person as they walk by, expecting every time they lift their head up to meet her gaze she will see Tegan's face looking back at her. A figure is walking past her in boots and a fitted t-shirt and Sara immediately knows it isn't Tegan, but still looks as she passes. The woman looks up and Sara is surprised to be met with the face of her sister's girlfriend. "Lindsey? Hi." Sara says confused. "Oh, hey Sara. What are you doing out late?" Sara ignores her question. "What are you doing here?" Sara asks, knowing Lindsey isn't due to visit yet, being in the middle of some big shoot. "I came down and had breakfast with Tegan, you haven't spoken to her yet?" Sara shakes her head slowly. "No I haven't. But why did you come down early? You were going to come after..." Sara trails off. Lindsey looks down and then sighs, telling Sara exactly why she is here. "Tell me you did not. Tell me you did not break my sister's heart, because I fucking swear Lindsey she-" Lindsey cuts Sara off. "Stop it Sara. We both know full well I am not the one who is breaking her heart." Sara opens her mouth to say something but nothing will come out. "Go find Tegan, Sara." Lindsey says to her in a stern tone. "I just. I can't-" "Yes you can. Now go to her." With that Lindsey leaves Sara standing in the middle of the path with her voice stuck in her throat.

Sara walks down the street and is ready to give up when she spots the bar from afar. It looks busy and she can see people in the distance heading in and out. With a new sense of hope on finding Tegan she enters and heads over to talk to the bartender. "Hey, have you seen a girl who looks like me? She has longer hair and a labret piercing." The guy looks up and nods. "Wow, twins huh?" "Yep, it's amazing. My sister?" Sara asks, trying to get to the point. "You just missed her kid. Left not five minutes ago." Sara rolls her eyes, part of her is relieved that at least Tegan is okay but she would really like to see her for herself.

Tegan is around the side of the bar building itself, leaning against the wall smoking another borrowed cigarette. She isn't blind but she is drunk enough. Flicking the butt into the dumpster beside her, she decides it's time to head back and face reality. She is about to come around the corner when she is stopped in her tracks by the sight of her little sister coming out of the bar. Sara walks toward the curb not seeing her big sister, and waits with others for the traffic to clear. There is a gas station across the road and it is Sara's last resort before she calls it a night. If she doesn't find Tegan back at the hotel, she will be calling the cops and promptly going insane with worry. Tegan walks up behind her and studies Sara from behind. "TeeTee, where are you?" Sara whispers to herself. Tegan takes a step back at hearing her sister's question. Not ready to deal with that, she stumbles slightly and begins her walk back to the hotel. She feels guilty knowing that she could have eased Sara's mind by simply reaching out and tapping her shoulder, but she also doesn't at the same time. Sara should be worried about her, she is part of the reason Tegan is such a mess. When she reaches the hotel she walks up to the main desk and asks for a bottle of wine to be delivered to her room. Standing in the elevator, as the doors are closing she catches a glimpse of Ted and waves at him before they close entirely. Ted waves despite not being able to see her anymore and can tell by her lolling head and graceless wave that she is drunk.

Sara is walking back in the direction of the hotel when Ted calls her. "Are you with her?" Sara asks without saying hello. "No I'm not but I saw her. She is on her way up to your room and she's been drinking." Sara hates this, all day she has been hearing about where Tegan has been but not once has she seen her. "Okay, thanks Ted. I'll take care of her." Sara says breaking out into a jog. "No problem. Night Sara." Sara puts her phone in her pocket and continues to run.

Back at the hotel, Tegan is sitting in the bathtub with a wine glass in hand going through her voice mail. Eleven missed calls all from Sara K Quin. Sara had entered her name in the phone like that when Tegan first got it a long time ago. "Hey Tegan, it's Sara. No one knows where you are. Call me. Or one of the boys at least." As the messages went on they became more colorful. "Fucking hell. I haven't seen you since I woke Tegan Quin, and it's now after lunch, that's nearly five hours you've been missing. Where the fuck are you?" The last message on the phone finally plays and Tegan drinks the rest of the wine in her glass as she listens. "Tee, please. I can't stand this anymore. Please..." Tegan puts the wine glass on the ground next to her and brings the bottle to her lips, swallowing the sweet liquid until she can drink no more as she begins to cry.

Sara hears Tegan before she sees Tegan. She quickly swipes her card in the door and walks towards the bathroom where her sister's sobs are coming from. Tegan's cries are shaky and slightly muffled but not hysterical. Sara opens the door without knocking and feels both joy and pain hit her as she takes in the sight in front of her. Tegan is perfectly fine, she is exactly the way Sara had seen her last, but she is sitting in the bathtub with her knees drawn to her chest crying into them. The nearly half empty bottle of wine has been discarded on the floor but is still in Tegan's reach. Sara knows Tegan has noticed her presence, but she has made no move to acknowledge her. Sara slowly and mechanically takes her own clothes off while staring at her sister's porcelain little body. She walks over to the bathtub and moves the wine bottle away from Tegan and steps in behind her. Sinking into the warm water, Sara lets her legs fall on either side of Tegan and she encircles her sister's body in her arms, pulling her into her chest. Tegan leans into Sara, and Sara rests her back on the tubs walls so they are both lying down. Tegan is still crying and Sara puts one arm across her body placing her hand over her heart, while the other pushes her hair out of her face trying to soothe her.

"It's okay, it's okay." Sara whispers into her ear, letting her head rest against Tegan's. "I'm alone again. I'm always going to be alone." Tegan whispers back through her whimpers. "No you're not. Don't say that." Sara whispers, thinking that if Tegan's always going to be alone, Sara has no hope. Despite Sara's whispered words and soft hands, Tegan's crying does not ease. Tegan pushes herself up so she is sitting higher against Sara and reaches for the bottle of wine. "No, don't." Sara says, and they when both girls stop and realise Sara's hand that was resting over Tegan's heart has slipped down to rest on her breast. Tegan's crying dies down and Sara gently caresses her sister in her hands. Tegan's nipples are hard and Sara isn't sure whether it is from them coming into contact with the cold air or Sara's hands. Sara sits up straighter and lets her other hand begin to slide down Tegan's stomach. The journey is smooth due to the water and her hand glides against Tegan's flesh. Tegan looks down and watches the familiar hand, she can see the goosebumps rising slowly on her skin from Sara's contact. Sara reaches Tegan's trimmed curls and carefully puts the lightest amount of pressure on her clit. Tegan keeps her head down and closes her eyes as the small touch racks through her entire body. It's happening again. Tegan quickly grabs Sara's wrist. "Don't. Don't touch me." She says it quietly, quickly and desperately and steps out of the bathtub afterward, leaving Sara alone in the water that now seems so much colder than before.

Tegan throws on a shirt and some underwear and curls up into bed, no longer sobbing but with silent tears still dripping down her face. Sara follows her out not too long after, finding a shirt and underwear of her own. Sara stares at Tegan's back in her bed and then to her own empty one. She hears a quiet sniff coming from Tegan and quickly decides on which bed she belongs in. Sara crawls into Tegan's bed like she has before many nights. She entangles her legs with Tegan's and she uses one of her hands to push the hair resting on Tegan's cheek behind her ear before whispering, "You can't not let me touch you. You can't." With that said, Sara wraps an arm around Tegan's frame and hugs her to her own, and she doesn't let go till morning.


	9. Chapter 9

When Tegan opens her eyes she is disappointed that sleep is over and that she will be forced to face yet another day. Today they will be traveling to their last show before their break, which leaves room for unnecessary bonding time between herself and Sara. Tegan believes they have bonded enough. Tegan is pleased though that tonight is the last show as they have managed to schedule in a one and half month duration of nothingness after this, before they set off on another big tour. Tegan desperately needs this break, she is hoping that this time away from Sara will help her to gain perspective on the situation and that she will be able to hopefully realise some sort of resolution to their affair, or even just give her the will to enact a begrudging conclusion. As her mind begins to drift to her sister, she suddenly takes notice of the weight of the arm that has been carelessly draped across her middle for the entire duration of the night. She had forgotten Sara had slipped into her bed last night, despite the fact that one of Sara's legs was still hooked between both of Tegan's. As carefully as she can, she slowly turns over until she is face to face with Sara. Sara's face is completely still as she sleeps and Tegan marvels as she realises this is the first time in a long time she has actually been able to look at her sister. Sara is always turning her face away from Tegan, not wanting her to look her in the eye for too long. Tegan might see what Sara's always been hiding if she allows her to look.

Tegan doesn't know what she feels as she stares at her sister's face that for once doesn't look uncomfortable under her gaze. As far as Tegan is concerned, nothing has changed. Sara is still trying to fuck her whenever the opportune moment presents itself. She's never held her during the night and fallen asleep with her though, at least not since their affair started. Perhaps once or twice when they were only children or if Tegan was distraught and in need of comfort, Sara would allow Tegan to slip into her bed, but other than that never. The fact that it has happening now however, is only serving to pull at Tegan's heart and create a hollow feeling towards the identical girl sharing her bed. Sara knows Tegan has had enough and yet she is still able to manipulate her. Just when Tegan thinks she is gaining control, Sara is still able to get her way and it makes her feel so useless and empty. Tegan moves her face closer to Sara and lets her nose lightly graze Sara's nose, she closes her eyes while doing so, allowing herself to enjoy the gentle touch for a brief second. She moves her face back and studies Sara curiously once again, as if that innocent contact may have changed something in the sleeping Sara and she would wake up and apologise to her sister and they would cry together and love each other properly. Whatever properly may be. But Sara does not wake.

However long Tegan stares at her sister she does not care to know, but when Sara twitches her little nose and takes a deep breath as she begins to wake, Tegan panics and closes her eyes to imitate sleep. As Sara adjusts to the light of the room and the fog of sleep clears from her eyes, Tegan's face invades her vision. She moves quickly for someone who has just woken and wraps her arms around Tegan's head. She pulls Tegan's face into her chest and she holds onto her desperately. Only a few seconds pass before she lets go again and exits Tegan's bed swiftly, locking herself in the bathroom. Tegan opens her eyes confused, mourning the loss of warmth.

Sara hops in the shower and holds her face in her hands. She woke up to see Tegan's face next to hers and she knew before she was able to block the thought in her not fully awake mind, that it was something she loved and would love to do again and again. But as soon as that thought passed, her mind became alert and she remembered that it was something that couldn't happen and she probably never would be able to do it ever again. Sara doesn't know how it had happened. She had always been able to keep Tegan at a distance, keep her wanting Sara's attention, keep her wanting Sara. But somehow the roles have reversed. Tegan has finally had enough of her and is saying no. Sara knows she pushed her too far. As soon as she changed the pattern Tegan began to change. But it was the only way Sara knew how to handle what she was feeling. Sara had began to feel sick every time she thought of Tegan with Lindsey and thinking of the next time she would get to touch Tegan began to be the only thought ever on her mind. Sara had began to need more from Tegan and the only way she knew how to get it was to take it. So Sara had touched her and tasted her and fucked her when she wanted and how she wanted. But it seems Tegan doesn't want it back anymore, doesn't want Sara anymore. That thought alone makes Sara's gut wrench and feel as if she will be physically sick until their is nothing left in her body to expel.

Tegan listens to the water from the shower falling from in her bed, not having moved from the position she was in when Sara left. Why did she even let Sara sleep next to her? She had got out of that bathtub feeling disgusted with her. All Sara can ever see in Tegan is as a body she can use and a mind she can fuck with. Tegan was crying and Sara was feeling her up, such a fucked up relationship they have. However, when Sara got into her bed and wrapped an arm around her, tangling her legs with hers, she couldn't help but close her eyes and let Sara's smell and warmth envelope her and gently pull her into the world of sleep.

Once out of the shower Sara curses herself as she has forgotten to bring any change of clothes into the bathroom with her, having been too preoccupied in escaping from the overwhelming feelings Tegan was causing. Sara grabs her towel and wraps it tightly around her body and just like the morning before, she creeps out of the bathroom. Sara closes the door behind her as quietly as she can, turning around only to see Tegan is already awake and watching her. Tegan wears no expression on her face, she simply watches Sara. Sara pauses for a moment and stares at Tegan all the same, before letting an idea creep it's way into her desperate mind. Sara, without letting her eyes drift from her sister's, lifts her arms away from her sides and lets her towel drop away from her naked body to the floor. Sara studies Tegan's reaction, she can see her jaw clenching, her throat dancing as she swallows and the way she forces her eyes to remain on Sara's. Sara walks over to her, never dropping her gaze, assessing once again Tegan's reaction to her naked and still slightly wet body coming into close proximity with her own blanket-covered one.

Tegan finally allows herself to look at Sara's body once she is standing close to her at the edge of the bed. Her eyes immediately are drawn to Sara's hip bones and the smooth slide of her hips leading down to the small delicate patch of hair between her legs. Tegan has had her hand on and in that area many times, but never has she been able to look at it. Tegan is struggling to keep her breathing steady and she turns onto her back avoiding looking into Sara's eyes. "Put your clothes on Sara." Tegan says glaring at the ceiling. Sara climbs onto her bed, parting her thighs so she is straddling Tegan. Tegan refuses to look at Sara as she slips her hand between the covers and Tegan's warm body. She brings her hand between Tegan's legs and through her underwear she palms her. Sara can feel that Tegan is wet through the thin material and she leans over Tegan until her face floods her view, causing Tegan to turn her face away to the bathroom where Sara had just come from. "You're wet." Sara says, lightly letting her fingers run the length of Tegan's slit. "Sara, stop it." Tegan says quietly, squeezing her eyes shut. "Don't worry, I wasn't going to do anything." Sara says and she pulls her hand out from beneath the sheet. "I was just checking." Sara says and feeling as if she has gained some of her control back, she for the second time that morning gets off of the bed and begins to dress.

Sara isn't surprised but is admittedly disappointed when she arrives at the hotel after the show to find Tegan has changed the booking to separate hotel rooms. Already on the bus, Tegan had brought Shaun in to ride with them. No sleeping was required during their day trip to the venue, so it was easy for Tegan to convince Shaun to come along. This however, meant Sara could not spend that time seducing and fucking her sister. This meant Sara had to spend her time instead, hiding that she wanted to. Sara is pacing her room that feels so lonely without Tegan's clothes strewn across the chairs and bed. It takes Sara twenty minutes of pacing to decide to go to Tegan's room beside hers, and a further ten minutes before she actually knocks on the door. As soon as Tegan opens it Sara pushes her way into the dimly lit room. Tegan has only a lamp on in the corner next to an arm chair, Sara quickly concludes she must have been reading spotting the open book left on the chair. Tegan can tell Sara's here for a fight and is already preparing herself for it. Sara stares down Tegan who remains standing at the now closed door. "What do you want Sara?" Tegan asks, folding her arms against her chest. "Why did you get separate rooms?" Sara asks. Tegan rolls her eyes, knowing this isn't what Sara really wants to ask. "Because we can afford it. Besides, I don't have to spend every waking or sleeping moment of my life with you." Tegan says, putting emphasis on the word 'sleeping'. "Fuck you Tegan. Fuck you." Sara says. Tegan smiles, a smile filled with resentment and regret. "You already have." "Don't say things like that. Jesus fuck, don't say that." Sara says getting angry. "Fine Sara I won't, I won't bring it up again and you won't try to do it again. Now get the fuck out of my room!" Tegan says raising her voice, stepping away from the door and gesturing towards it with her finger.

"No." Sara says shaking her head. This was not now how it was suppose to go. "You know what Tegan? You can't just decide something like that. You don't just get to fucking decide something like that. God I am so fucking sick of you!" Sara is yelling now and so Tegan too raises her volume. "You're sick of me? I'm not the one crawling into the other's bed every night for a fuck. I'm not the one fucking strapping it on, touching the other while they are crying in a bathtub." Sara walks toward Tegan yelling back. "You fucking wanted it you sick fuck. It's only now you're saying no and acting like I'm the one taking advantage of you. Once again I'm being played off as the cold, heartless twin, while you take the higher moral ground and treat me like a fucking disease." Sara's words cut through the air like a knife but Tegan is determined not to let her break her down. "Oh would you just fuck off already Sara?" Tegan counters, she momentarily thinks about people over hearing their argument, but with the boys on a different floor she decides there is no reason to care. Sara begins to advance towards the door. "I am not the only sick one, you always got fucking wet, you always wanted it too and you always will want it." Sara is no longer yelling, but her words snipe at Tegan and she yells back. "No. Fucking no. Never again. Never!" Sara takes a step away from the door and shoves Tegan hard into the wall. "I already told you." She says through clenched teeth. "You don't get to just decide something like that." Sara glares at Tegan and just like when it happened the first time, she feels the hatred begin to build. She shoves Tegan again but as her body rebounds back off of the wall, Sara moves in and before Tegan can stop her, lets her lips find her sister's.

Sara keeps her lips pressed firmly against Tegan's, allowing the fire that the simple contact has caused to spread throughout her whole body and pool in her stomach. Sara parts her lips ever so slightly and softly draws Tegan's top lip into her mouth. Tegan's jaw drops in response and this allows Sara to tentatively slide her tongue into Tegan's mouth. It's a nervous and testing kiss, Sara is taking the lead but she is hesitant in her actions. Sara touches her tongue to Tegan's slightly before quickly withdrawing and Tegan tilts her head up wanting more. Both their breathing is audible as it comes out in heavy breaths. Sara draws her tongue out again and holds Tegan's face in her hands, Tegan keeps her own dangling by her sides powerless. Tegan tries to draw her face closer to Sara's but Sara uses her hands to keep Tegan in place, slowly letting her tongue begin to slide against Tegan's until she eases her hold, allowing their lips to crash together. Sara is dominating the kiss and Tegan is allowing her to do so while still kissing her back with the same amount of intensity. They slide and push their tongues together, while savoring each other's taste, both not sure as to whether their will be another opportunity to taste again. Tegan revels in the skill of Sara's tongue while Sara is in awe of Tegan's soft lips and hot mouth. Sara is the first to break the kiss, panting into her sister's open mouth with both their eyes still remaining closed. Tegan keeps her mouth open as Sara lets their bottom lips graze one another. Tegan wants their kiss to continue, but Sara is only allowing her lips to lightly slide against hers.

Tegan opens her eyes and feels herself break out of the spell. She sighs and walks away from Sara and over to the armchair, moving her open book to the floor before falling into it. Sara is right, she is always going to want it. Tegan never had really stopped anyway, she just saw no way out of their torturous cycle other then to end it. Sara bites her lip and shakes her head, her eyes are still closed but she is aware Tegan has walked away. Sara quickly decides on her next move and sits on the floor and begins to untie her shoes before taking off her socks. She then stands and unzips her jeans also removing her underwear. She allows her baggy sweater to remain on as she walks over to Tegan, planting herself in her lap. Before Tegan can say anything, Sara reaches up and covers her mouth with her hand, just like she had the first time they slept together. "Tegan, look at me." Sara requests. Tegan keeps her eyes down, staring at the area where her sister's sweater meets thigh. Sara brings her other hand to Tegan's cheek. "Look at me." She says again, bringing her face closer to Tegan's, giving her no choice but to look her directly in the eyes. "Tell me stop. If you tell me stop, I will."

Sara removes her hand from Tegan's mouth and watches her face as she reaches up and pushes her jacket off her shoulders. Tegan doesn't react and lets her do it, only letting her eyes drift from Sara's for a second to watch her throw the jacket over her shoulder. Sara then stands up and crouches in front of Tegan, undoing her laces and pulling her shoes and socks from her small feet. From her position on the ground, Sara reaches for Tegan's jean buttons, and with the help of Tegan raising her hips, peels the tight material from her body. They are nearly even in clothing, but Tegan still has on her underwear. Sara stands and leans over Tegan, she kisses her lightly on the side of the neck as she begins to pull her underwear down her lean legs. Sara has told Tegan she will stop if she asks, but she does not want to and is hoping her lips will reassure her. Sara sits back on Tegan's lap again, straddling her with her legs either side. She looks down between their bodies, Tegan's legs are spread and she only has on a simple t-shirt, allowing Sara to see her glistening wet cunt. As Sara goes to finally touch what she has been recently denied, she once again is stopped by the sound of her name. "Sara." Tegan whispers in a pleading tone, not yet convinced she wants to do this. Sara reaches down and instead pulls her sweater off her body and unhooks her bra, allowing both items of clothing to fall carelessly to the ground exposing her breasts. Looking Tegan in the eye Sara says to her again. "Tell me to stop and I will." When Tegan makes no move to do so and just keeps her eyes locked on Sara's, she pulls Tegan's shirt above her head adding to the pile. "Lean forward." Sara whispers and Tegan does so as if hypnotised. Sara reaches behind Tegan's back and she unhooks her black bra. When Tegan sits back again they both stop and just stare at each other. There is no pretending now, they won't be able to ignore this when it's over. Tegan and Sara know that this is going to change things, this is going to make them have to talk about it and deal with it. They are looking each other in the eyes and both girls know that this it how it should have been from the very beginning.

"Touch me." Sara says to Tegan after a while and Tegan does just as she's asked. She slides her fingers between her sister's folds and with two of her fingers, slowly massages around her clit. Sara stares at Tegan and bites her lip, bringing her own hand to Tegan and copying her movements. Tegan is mesmerized by the site in front of her, she can't look away from Sara's face. Never has she seen Sara pull such an expression as she slides a finger inside of her. Sara follows suit and does the same for Tegan, pumping her finger into her tight pink walls. "Last night you wouldn't let me touch you." Sara pants. "You want this don't you?" Sara asks, adding another finger. Tegan gasps and tilts her head back but still maintains eye contact, Sara begins thrusting her fingers faster. "Uh, yes. I do. I do want this." Tegan too adds another finger and brings her thumb up to add pressure onto Sara's swollen clit. Sara moans and leans forward, pressing her forehead against Tegan's. They are fucking in perfect sync. Sara lifts herself up and down slightly on Tegan's lap in time with her thrusts, while Tegan does the same with the bucking off her hips underneath her. As they both feel the pleasure begin to build in their warm and wet bodies, Sara leans down to catch Tegan in a quick kiss. "Sara." Tegan gasps just before her orgasm hits. "Tegan." Is Sara's response as she too comes.

Both girls sit slumped against each other, clammy bodies sticking together, fingers still inside each other. Sara eventually stands and begins to walk away from Tegan and she for a minute, thinks Sara is about to just fuck her and leave again. But she watches on as Sara pulls the blankets on her bed down and gestures for Tegan to join her. Tegan turns the lamp off before she comes over and lies down on the bed. Sara lies on top of her, face to face, breast to breast, hip to hip, knee to knee, toe to toe. They are the perfect fit. Tegan feels so overwhelmed and she is tired. Sara begins to place light kisses all over her face. Gently placing them on her lips, her cheeks, her eyes, nibbling on her ear lobes, sliding down to her collar bone. Sara slides right down Tegan's body until she is situated between her legs. "Sara, no more. I can't. Just so tired." Tegan says quietly. Sara leans down anyway and Tegan feels her place a kiss directly on her clit and then one over her core. Sparks shoot through Tegan's body and she feels it in her heart as Sara comes back up, reaching for Tegan's hand. With her hand safely hidden in her sister's, Tegan falls asleep to Sara's gentle kisses, unaware that her sister is afraid of falling asleep herself. For she is sure if she does, tomorrow will bring with it a clarity of mind and therefore the reality of consequences and unfavorable questions that she never in her life wanted to have to answer.


	10. Chapter 10

Tegan sits up straight in the the now very familiar arm chair, a result from the events that had occurred on it last night. She has showered and dressed, and sits with her legs crossed and arms folded waiting for Sara to wake. An hour passes before this happens, but Tegan is patient and does not try to speed up the process. Sara, lying on her stomach, stretches out and slowly lets her hand glide across the sheets as she wakes, looking for the body that is not there. With her face still in the pillow, she takes note of Tegan's absence and takes a deep breath before slowly turning herself over. When her eye catches Tegan's silhouette in the corner of the room, lit up by the morning sun spilling in through the window, Sara takes in her demeanor. She can tell by the firm line of her jaw, the stiff straightening of her back and the focus in her eyes that Tegan is up for another round. A fight, Sara is sure, is just about to begin. Sara clasps the sheets to her chest as she sits up, Tegan has well and truly seen her naked now, but she cannot help but feel vulnerable and self-conscious under her stare. She has lost the nerve she had last night. It is this morning though, this morning is different. There are no pretenses now, this isn't part of their game, this is just herself and Tegan. They are not fuck buddies, Sara is not desperate and trying to seduce Tegan, there are no longer any falsehoods. They are just sisters, sisters who are staring at each other with last nights events written all over their faces. Tegan is ready for what is about to happen, Sara is not.

Tegan notices Sara's hands tightly grasping the sheets around herself and reaches down and lifts her sweater up from the floor. She throws it onto the end of the bed and sits back, watching Sara struggle to get it on without lowering the sheet. They haven't said anything to each other yet. Sara stands when the sweater is on, pulling at the sides so they sit further down her thighs before walking around the bed and perching on the end. Sara waits for Tegan to begin, she knows she has probably planned out everything she is going to say. Whether Tegan knows it or not, Sara herself already knows that this isn't going to end well. "I think it's time we finally talked about.." Tegan pauses and takes a deep breath before continuing. "About what we've been doing." Sara cringes, she doesn't want to talk about it and had never planned on talking about it. She shifts uncomfortably before answering. "Okay, fine. Talk about it." Sara says bluntly. Tegan rolls her eyes. "You need to talk about it too, Sara. I'm not the only one contributing to the problem. You are very much involved." Sara is avoiding looking at Tegan, she finds it easier if she doesn't look. "Well, I just don't know why your insisting on talking about it. There isn't really anything to say." Sara says, trying to shrug the entire matter off. "There's nothing to say?" Tegan asks in disbelief, glaring at her sister. "There is loads to say. I want to, no, I need to talk about this. I need to know why as sisters, we are fucking each other. I need to talk about how we should be seeing other people, having healthy relationships with _other_ people, instead of silently getting off with each other at night. I want to know exactly why we are doing this. How can you not want to talk about it? How can you not want to know?" Tegan asks, gesturing wildly with her hands. "What do you want me say? Yes Tegan, we have been fucking. What more is there to it? Do you want to stop? Is that it? You've had enough." Sara says feeling her cheeks grow warm. "That's besides the point Sara. I want to know why you have been crawling into my bed at night, your sister's bed, and fucking me." Tegan points to her chest and continues. "There are plenty of girls out there who would love to be with you Sara. So why did you always come to me?" Sara is angry. She is uncomfortable, she is distressed and she is angry. "Fuck off Tegan. Don't put all this shit on me. What about you?" Sara says nodding her head towards Tegan. "Why did you always let me?"

Tegan shakes her head. "Stop being so fucking immature Sara and answer the question." "Why should I answer? You want to end things anyway. So fine. It's over. Never again will I touch you Tegan. Is that what you want to hear?" Sara says, hating every word spilling out of her mouth. Tegan stands and begins to pace back and forward. Through gritted teeth she turns and faces Sara again. "That's not what I want. What I want is for you to talk to me." Sara shakes her head. "I don't want to talk. Not about that." "Well then what are we going to do Sara?" Tegan asks exasperated. Sara's only response is to part her knees ever so slightly and gesture with her eyes toward the space between her thighs. Tegan, from where she is standing, can see the pink between Sara's legs. She knows that in seconds she could be on her knees in front of her sister tasting her, forgetting everything and just giving in. But Tegan needs things to change, she needs to know why and so quickly looks away. "No, stop it Sara." Tegan says and begins pacing again. "We're going on break after this. I think I'm going to use that time to think everything over." Tegan's tone is exhausted, and she rubs her temples as she speaks. "What does that mean?" Sara asks, leaving her knees parted. "It means, I thinks it's best if you don't call me or anything. Just let me have some space." Tegan says looking over to Sara. "For the whole break we're not going to talk? That's over a month." Sara says, standing and folding her arms under her chest. "Yes." Tegan nods. "I thought you'd be happy. Us not talking, it's just what you wanted." Tegan says sarcastically and continues. "We'll be alone and you can do what you want and I can do what I want. Perhaps when we're apart you'll even find somebody else, somebody that isn't me." Tegan suggests, not meaning it but trying to aggravate the aggravating Sara. To add to the many problems with fucking your own sister, as siblings, arguing can sometimes lead to petty taunts. "I should have guessed." Sara says looking down and inwardly berating herself before looking back up at Tegan. "That's it, isn't it? You don't want me around because you're going to be having _others_ around. Using the break to go on your own fucking spree, hey Tegan!" Sara thinks Tegan's suggestion of her seeing other people, is her own way of telling her that that is what she plans to do. "Why not Sara? I can fuck who I want. What's it to you?" Tegan is getting angry herself. Sara won't talk to Tegan, but she has no problem in yelling at her. Tegan wants to scream at Sara, scream at her until she sees sense again. "It has nothing to do with me. Do what you want Tegan, I don't care. But do me a favor, don't come crying to me when you're all alone again." Sara yells into Tegan's face. Tegan scoffs and replies viciously. "Why would I? You'd just use it as another opportunity to take advantage of and end up trying to fuck me again!"

Sara doesn't even realise she has done it until she feels the pain in her knuckles. As soon as Tegan had finished her sentence, Sara had felt the hatred rise and her own possessiveness over Tegan take hold and had plunged her fist into her face. Tegan doubles over at the impact, holding a hand over her eye and groaning. She takes a step back and looks at Sara, she can tell that whatever barrier she had broken through last night that allowed her to see her sister with her guard down as she gently kissed her to sleep, has been put right back up again. Sara is wearing a blank expression on her face and she is just standing, waiting for Tegan to retaliate. "Get the fuck out of my room." Tegan says in a snarl with hot tears running down her face and Sara makes no objections. She grabs her clothes from the floor and quickly slips out of the room and into her own.

Tegan had known trying to talk to Sara would involve a fight. However, she did not think that fight would be a physical one. She had thought perhaps that they would argue, but eventually she would be able to break her sister down, get her talking. Instead, Tegan is sitting on the end of her bed with a fun size bottle of vodka from the mini-fridge resting against her eye. Tegan considered drinking it, there was only enough for two mouthfuls from the small bottle, but decided her face needed it more. Thinking back on what was said, Tegan finds the whole thing ridiculous. Sara's refusal to talk about what had been happening was so frustrating and Tegan's suggestion meant absolutely nothing. She hadn't even thought about seeing someone else over the break, she just made the suggestion to get a rise out of Sara. If Tegan thought about it honestly, she hadn't thought of seeing someone else ever since Sara and her nightly visits had begun. Lindsey was an exception due to the circumstances and things were complicated enough when they were together. Sara made sure of that. Why would she ever invite someone else into this mess? That would be just cruel to everyone involved.

Sara stands in the shower studying her knuckles. Across one knuckle the skin has broken and the rest are turning purple under the sting of the hot water, she had hit Tegan fairly hard. After she had though, she quickly realised she was losing a handle on herself. Without even thinking about it, while Tegan doubled over clutching her face, she withdrew herself from the situation mentally and began to distance herself from her emotions. This distance has always helped her to disconnect from people and problems in her heart they cause. As simple as shutting a book or turning a microphone off, Sara Quin closed herself off and disengaged from the world. Sara had become a shell of herself once before and could easily do it again. She in fact took comfort in this form of protection, where she could seek solace in only her own shadow. Sara doesn't even think back to what had happened in the room as she showers. She just keeps her mind focused on what is next. She has to pack her suitcase, eat breakfast, check out of the hotel, get to the airport, say goodbye to the boys, fly home.

The time that it takes for Sara to shower and pack, equals the same amount of time it takes Tegan to 'ice' her eye and pack her own suitcase. Tegan makes it to the elevator first and is soon joined by Sara, neither one speaks to the other. Sara takes advantage of the steel metal doors and observes her sister's reflection, her face specifically and her already swollen eye. "Admiring your handy work?" Tegan says, getting irritated that Sara dares to look at her after what she has done. "It's swollen." Sara simply says, her tone cold and aloof. "I suppose you like that huh? Makes me look less like your sister, easier for you now to picture me underneath you." Tegan snipes as the doors open and an elderly couple joins them in the elevator. Sara takes note in the reflection how the woman observes Tegan's swollen face and various tattoos decorating her arms. She takes a slight step away from her only to notice Sara, and so she instead just tries her best to lean in as far as possible toward her husband.

Tegan is partly right. On one hand Sara does like the swelling in Tegan's face. She likes the difference it causes, the way it reminds Sara less about how they are identical twin sisters. But on the other hand she likes Tegan's face just the way it is and would never want to change it. She thinks her sister is beautiful with her wide set jaw, button nose and lively eyes. They share the same features but on Tegan, she makes them look warm and inviting. She makes their features bold and entrancing when she talks out one side of her mouth sometimes and gives everyone her gummy smile. Sara doesn't see her face as capable of doing those things. So Tegan is only a tiny bit right, mostly Tegan's swollen eye makes Sara want to cry. But she won't, not now. She has to keep herself in control, at least until she can get home and hide away. When they arrive at the airport they do not say good bye to each other, and so the words exchanged in the elevator are to be the last words they share. That is, until they are forced to face each other again.


	11. Chapter 11

MONTREAL

Sara walks through her spotless apartment with wine bottle in hand, having abandoned her glass hours ago and resigned to drinking straight from the bottle. She walks aimlessly from room to room, clad only in socks and underwear, with an unbuttoned shirt falling against her sides exposing her chest. There is no one for her to converse with, no one she needs to impress and no one around that she could possibly be judged by. But she wishes there were.

She has been wearing the same shirt every night and sometimes day since she arrived home from tour. It has been three weeks. The shirt that she keeps so close to her body does not belong to her, it is her sister's. Sara had picked it up off the floor and taken it before she left Tegan's hotel room on the morning she last saw her. Her smell barely remains clinging to the worn fabric, having been taken over by Sara's own, but Sara can still recognize it and for her that is enough for now. But it won't be too long before Tegan's smell vacates the shirt completely.

In her drunken stupor Sara manages to put the cork back in the bottle and put it away for tomorrow nights comfort. Some people are getting ready to go and sleep next to the one they love, Sara is getting ready for no one. In the darkness of her room, she slides her body in between her cool sheets and sinks into the mattress. Grabbing at the collar of the shirt, she flips it up so it sits close to her cheeks and buries her face into the material.

Sara does not let herself think about the pathetic nature of her current reality as she slowly inhales and slips her hand into her underwear. The alcohol is helping her to focus on only the feeling and Tegan's smell, she does not take note of the fact that the pleasure that is enveloping her body is from her own movements and not her far away sister's. She allows certain images to enter her mind. Tegan's face, full breasts, round thighs, soft waist, jutting hips. Sara's fingers are buried deep inside herself as she begins to buck violently into her own hand, face still turned and smothered in the shirt. She is sweating profusely underneath the sheets, but she does not kick them down.

When the pressure finally builds and releases a wave of euphoria throughout her body, Sara squeezes her eyes shut and waits for her to stop shaking, as the aftermath tremors of her orgasm are causing her body to slightly convulse. Sara does not bother moving once it is all over, she just allows herself to pass out.

An hour of sleep is all she is given before the sound of her phone wakes her. Coughing slightly, she reaches over to her phone on her side table and groggily answers. "Hello?" She asks, eyes not able to focus on the light well enough yet to check caller ID. Her chest is once again exposed to the cool air as she is now sitting up, and so she gathers the material together in her fist to cover herself, despite the person on the phone having no way of seeing or knowing.

"Hi Sara, I'm sorry to wake you." The voice is calm and steady in a way that seems forced and Sara is able to recognize it.

"Mum? What's going on? Why are you calling so late?" Sara's mind immediately jumps to Tegan, she hasn't spoken to her once since their break, what if something bad has happened?

"Sara, it's your grandfather."

* * *

VANCOUVER

Tegan sits motionless at the end of the bar, drink untouched in front of her. There are people moving around her, dancing and making noise, but she pays them little attention. Tegan just sits in the crowded room, occasionally exchanging simple pleasantries with its occupants, while wishing to be nowhere and contemplating nothing.

She had been visiting this particular bar almost every night for the last three weeks. At first when she came most people had just let her be, a black eye apparently does not help one in the friend department. But as the swelling went down and the colors became less violent, she had captured a certain girl's attention. The girl is attractive and seems to come to the bar often enough for Tegan to work out who her friends are and what she likes to drink.

Easily Tegan could walk over to her and order her her drink and start a conversation, but she doesn't. She found herself comparing this girl to Sara. She would watch and take note of the qualities she lacks that Sara does not, including having the same genes. Still, Tegan is persistent, she turns up at the bar as often as she can to at least put people and herself especially, under the illusion that she is doing fine on her own, that having no contact with Sara is not killing her.

It was her idea in the first place. Tegan thought that not talking to Sara would allow her to gain a better outlook on the situation, but nothing like that has happened. Instead she finds she is not only craving Sara's body alone now, but even just her company. The last time she saw Sara she had punched her, the evidence is still present on her face today. She shouldn't be wasting time on her any longer.

Tegan downs her drink in one and orders a shot. Throwing her head back and swallowing the burning liquid down her throat, she quickly gets up and walks cautiously over to the girl whose eyes are already on her and watching her approach. As she gets closer the girl winks at her, in shock Tegan quickly changes direction and pretends she was just heading to the exit. Her mind has already gone to Sara and how she would never do something as forward as winking at someone she did not know.

Frustrated, Tegan does exit the bar and pulls her phone out of her pocket, scrolling to Lindsey's number and pressing the call button.

"Hel-." Lindsey says but is cut off by Tegan as soon as she answers, she herself is currently sitting on the floor in the middle of a spread of photographs.

"You know, this is just ridiculous. I should be able to go to a bar and pick up a girl. I shouldn't be looking at these beautiful women and comparing them to Sara. Last time I saw Sara she fucking punched me in the face."

Lindsey wedges the phone between her shoulder and ear and keeps sorting photographs as she lets Tegan ramble.

"And you know what else, Sara is probably in bed with some girl right now without even so much as a thought to what I may be up to. And I don't care, she can do what she wants. Who am I to say anything about what or who she does? No one. This is fine. And I not going to-"

"Tegan, where are you?" Lindsey says, interjecting when she hears a car horn.

"I'm walking home." Tegan says sighing and crossing the road. "Good, you sound a little drunk," Lindsey says.

Tegan stops when she gets off the main road and looks up to the night sky in an attempt to stop her watering eyes from spilling over. "God!" She exclaims. "What is wrong with me?" Her voice is trembling and Lindsey can tell she is trying not to cry.

"Nothing is wrong with you Tee. You've just fallen in love is all." Lindsey says softly and smiling sadly.

Tegan lets out a sobbing laugh. "No." She says taking an erratic breath in and shaking her head. "No. No."

Lindsey nods her head in response, knowing that just because she is finally saying it for Tegan, doesn't mean Tegan is ready to accept it. "Just go home Tegan."

She stays on the phone with Lindsey until she arrives at her apartment. Tegan sees the flashing of her answering machine as she enters and knows she has voice messages to check, but keeps away from the tormenting machine. The longer she doesn't check, the longer she can pretend and hope that perhaps it is Sara's voice waiting to be heard.

She walks through her surprisingly clean apartment to her bedroom. In an attempt to keep her mind busy, she has been keeping her hands busy and cleaning obsessively. But even then it just makes her think of her overtly clean sister. Collapsing on her bed and not bothering to change out of her jeans and shirt, Tegan falls asleep face down in her pillow. She too will be woken by the sound of her phone.

Tegan wakes up quickly, jumping at the sound of it ringing and falling onto the floor. On her back she stretches out and fumbles in her tight pocket for her phone and answers out of breath. "Yeah?"

"Tegan! Where have you been? I've left you four messages." Tegan huffs slightly when she sees that it is only eight in the morning and then also disappointingly realizes that it was her mother who had been phoning her and not her sister.

"I was out and I hadn't check voice mail yet. What's going on?" Tegan asks, rubbing her eyes with her free hand.

"Your grandfather's in hospital." Sonia says quickly.

"What? Why? Is he okay?" Tegan asks. She stops rubbing her eyes and freezes.

"He was complaining about pains in his chest and his breathing became labored. The doctors have been running tests throughout the night."

Tegan scolds herself, she should be there now. Instead she is more concerned about her sister and who she is fucking, while her grandpa could be dying. Her fucking sister. "Does Sara know?" Tegan asks, feeling the anger toward Sara rise again.

"I got onto her last night. Unlike you she actually picks up her phone. She'll be arriving soon. She managed to book an early flight at 4 in the morning."

Tegan rolls her eyes. "I'm sorry okay? I'll be there soon."

* * *

Tegan arrived at the hospital just under an hour after she spoke with her mother. She showered in a minute and threw on a pair of black jeans, loose grey sweater and a pair of her worn black boots before catching a bus. Her hair was still a little wet when she left, causing it to slightly curl around the edges of her face. She is now sitting in a waiting room with her mother and various other family members. They have just heard from the doctor that it was a heart attack. Luke is going to be fine now, thanks to the doctor's recommended new diet and exercise regime, but they are keeping him under observations for the night.

Sonia sees Sara before Tegan does and rushes over to her, informing her on the latest developments and escorting her to where her grandpa resides in his room. Tegan does not look up as she passes, she instead just stares at their feet. Her mother's sneakers with the bottom of her navy jeans rush past first, followed by her sister's more tentative steps in their converses and slightly rolled up black jeans.

It is only after Sara steps out of the sterile smelling room her grandfather, who as usual is in the same high spirits despite his current condition, that she searches for Tegan's eyes to meet hers. It is at the same time a relief and painful to see her in the flesh again. Tegan looks beautiful but tired where she sits slouched in one of the seats next to one of her more obnoxious aunts. Sara can tell by the subtle yet apparent pink color resting high on her cheek bones that she is feeling anxious.

Sara's eyes follow the line of her cheeks higher to examine Tegan's right eye closely from where she stands. All the swelling has gone down, but a dark ring of a rusty red still remains causing Sara to frown. She can only imagine the colors that it had been previously displaying the day after she received the punch, and the thought makes her cringe.

Tegan won't look up at Sara, despite Sara standing at the wall opposite her. Sara sighs and instead excuses herself in search of coffee, giving up temporarily on gaining the attention of her sister. She manages to find a cafeteria and places her order, and as she waits she looks around at the cafeteria's inhabitants. Two people sit opposite each other with their coffee cooling in their cheap styrofoam cups in front of them. No one is talking and they stare at the table in front of them blankly. Sara starts to feel uncomfortable, as if she is intruding by observing their silent sorrow. She quickly pays and leaves, heading back toward where her family resides in the too brightly lit waiting room. Instead of going in though, Sara chooses to sit outside, but on just the right angle so she can observe her sister from her chair.

Tegan isn't saying anything to anyone. She sits in silence staring at the floor until their mum comes and sits next to her, she is able it seems to withhold a conversation with Sonia. "I have to get your bed ready Joan, so I'm just going to leave you out here for a minute."

Sara looks over to the nurse that's voice broke her out of her reverie and then to who she is speaking to. It's an older woman, about 70, sitting in a wheel chair that's just been placed right next to Sara. She has on a hospital gown with a blanket covering her legs, her hair is thin and sits limply around a thick face. Sara smiles awkwardly when the woman looks over to her.

"Don't worry, it's only for a minute that you'll have to endure my presence."

Sara starts quickly shaking her head. "Oh no, it's fine. I don't mind, really."

The woman smiles. "It's okay. I know the dying aren't the best of company. Is that why you're out here?"

Sara looks at her quizzically.

"Well that is your sister in there, isn't it? The one you keep looking to."

Sara sighs and nods. "Yep. That's my sister." She begins to fiddle with the styrofoam of her cup and rips at the edges.

"You should be with her, she looks sad." The woman says, they are both now observing the unaware Tegan from afar. She has her arms crossed over her chest and is quietly answering her mother whenever an unwelcome question is directed at her. Sara and the woman who she heard to be called Joan, have resumed silence. The only noise that can be heard is the slightly struggled breathing from Joan.

"Can you see that bruise on her face? I did that." Sara says without moving her eyes from Tegan.

Joan nods. "Yes, I figured." Sara looks over to Joan again, who smiles and gestures toward Sara's knuckles that are displaying the same shade of dull colors as Tegan's eye.

"She didn't deserve it. She just wanted to talk." Sara doesn't know why she is talking so openly to this unknown woman when she can't even talk to her sister. Perhaps it is because she is dying, and you can trust the dying because their perspectives are no longer tainted with vain judgments, petty pride or selfish motivations. They are too busy just trying to live while they can.

"I slept with her the night before I did it. It's all pretty fucked up. _We're_ pretty fucked up." Sara says as she watches Tegan draw her knees up to her chest on the chair, resting her chin on them. She is so small compared to the bustling people around her, Sara just wants to walk in there and take her away from it all.

"I've got terminal cancer. I think I win this round pet." Joan says, coughing slightly toward the end. Sara does not know how to answer so she simply nods. "I never fell in love you know." Joan says reminiscing. "There were some who came close though, don't get me wrong. But I was a heart breaker who decided I was better off on my own. People can't hurt you that way. But now, as I live out the last of my days in this place, I think I would have liked to have the one I loved sitting next to my bed as I took my last breath. I think it would be nice. Don't you?"

As Joan finishes her sentence, Tegan looks up and freezes for a moment, noticing Sara just outside the entrance of the waiting room for the first time. Sara doesn't look away even after Tegan has. "Yes, I think it would be."

Sara stays with Joan until the nurse comes and fetches her, despite seeing her family moving about to get ready to leave. Sara stands and throws her coffee out, before walking over to her mum and her sister who are now standing.

"Okay, well grandpa's girlfriend is going to stay with him for now. He'll be out by tomorrow they're saying." Sonia says to both her daughters. "Did you want to come back to mine Sara? How long are you staying?" Sonia asks.

"I'll go home tomorrow once I know grandpa's out and okay. But it's fine mum, don't worry about me, I'll stay with Tegan." Sara says without looking over to her sister. Tegan doesn't even react, just sighs under her breath. She cannot afford to argue with Sara about staying with her in front of their mother, all they need is her asking questions. She already had to invent a story about how she acquired a black eye, it involved socks, slippery tiles and the corner of a table. Sonia leads Tegan and Sara to the elevator and eventually separates with them once they exit the building. Leaving Tegan and Sara once again on their own, together.


	12. Chapter 12

They sit on the bus side by side, Sara's hurriedly packed suitcase resting under their feet. Tegan sits closest to the window keeping her gaze fixed on the passing objects and people, while Sara has her head inclined toward Tegan and is staring at her hands resting uneasily in her lap. They still haven't spoken. Sara feels as if she should break the silence, but she wouldn't know what to say. She would like to reach out and rest her hand on top of her sister's fidgeting ones, but she instead just lets her body gently press against Tegan's for the short times when the bus is turning a corner. Despite the silence between them, Sara is grateful to just be in her sister's presence and if she wasn't such a coward, she would tell her this.

When they arrive at their stop, Tegan gives Sara a nudge and sliding out the suitcase and their bodies from their seats, they both march down the aisle one behind the other. Their expressions dejected and with their bodies slumped over and heads down, they have never looked more alike. Tegan walks ahead of Sara and does not slow down in any way to let her catch up. Sara knows Tegan is doing this on purpose, but lets her.

Tegan doesn't want to be anywhere near Sara right now. Their grandpa is in hospital, her emotions are a mess and now the cause of all this pain is having a sleepover in the one place where she can hide out and be miserable comfortably on her own. The walk isn't long but Sara observes her sister's small body as she trudges in front of her, hands hidden in her sleeves. She appears fragile and much thinner since they last saw each other. This scares Sara just a little.

When they arrive in front of Tegan's door, Sara tries to catch Tegan's eye as she unlocks it. Tegan can feel her eyes burning into the side of her face as Sara wills her to look up through her unforgiving stare. Tegan however keeps her head down and refuses to even acknowledge her sister's presence, despite how close their proximity now is.

"You can put your suitcase in the spare room. There's already clean sheets on the bed, but you can grab an extra blanket from the cupboard if you end up needing one." Tegan says, as she walks into the kitchen, still avoiding Sara's eyes.

"Yes, thank you." Sara says, feeling terribly uncomfortable with the formal tone of their conversation. As before though, she looks past this discomfort and is just grateful to hear Tegan's voice.

"I don't have much food, but if you're hungry help yourself." Tegan says while pouring herself a glass of water.

Sara nods and looks around, surprised at just how clean Tegan has kept the place. Usually when she visits, Sara would spend her time slowly and inconspicuously cleaning and reordering everything.

"The place looks immaculate, Tegan. It almost looks like I've spent days here cleaning it already." Sara says, ending her sentence with a short, awkward chuckle.

"Well you haven't." Tegan says abruptly, finally looking at Sara. Sara's already weak smile slowly fades from her face.

"Tegan." Sara says in a sigh. "I just-" Tegan cuts her off.

"I have to go." She says and quickly rushes to the door.

"Why?" Sara says, following her. "Why do you have to go?" She says again when Tegan does not answer. Tegan is already out the door and walking away. "At least tell me where you're going?" Sara yells out from the doorway, but her words only hit air.

* * *

Sara walks from room to room running her long fingers over her sister's belongings. She examines and smiles at the different things that Tegan keeps around to help make up her life. It isn't until Sara reaches Tegan's bedroom that she all of sudden becomes serious and cautious of invading Tegan's privacy. She tentatively makes her way over to her sister's unmade bed and smiles, finally finding a place that actually looks like Tegan's. Sara turns and looks out the doorway and listens to the silence for a moment, before slowly slipping off her shoes and sliding her body underneath Tegan's sheets. Sara instantly feels her body relax as she is surrounded by the one smell that had kept her from falling completely apart these past weeks.

Looking to her right, she spots Tegan's side table and reaches over out of curiosity to examine the book Tegan has left there. Reading the cover and flicking through the pages, Tegan's book mark spills out and lands on her chest. Sara grabs the object and is about to return it to it's home among the pages, when she notices it is a photograph. There are only a few scarce photographs in Tegan's home, residing comfortably in the living room. Sara is not in any of them. She hadn't expected there to be any specific ones of her anywhere, but she had thought that perhaps a family photo that her face made an appearance in would be adorning at least one wall. In her hands though, she contained a photograph where the only people present was Tegan and herself. Sara looks at her sister's gummy smile as she holds the camera out in front of her and smiles herself. They're on the tour bus and Tegan has sat down next to Sara and slung her arm around her shoulders. When Sara looks at her own face she glares and shakes her head. She has her arms crossed over her chest and is looking out the window, choosing to take no part in Tegan's antics.

Sara holds the photograph in close to her face and stares at Tegan's expression and where their bodies are touching. If Sara could go back to that day she would have smiled at Tegan and wrapped her own arms around her, she would have done anything to let Tegan know that she does care. She hates herself for this photo. She looks so aggravated by Tegan's presence, but Sara knows that during that moment she was probably just angry with herself for enjoying her presence more than she should. Sara puts the photograph back in the book and lies back down feeling waves of guilt wash through her body and a tear slide down her face.

* * *

Tegan hadn't any idea where she was going, she had no need to be out in the world other than to be away from Sara. So she walks the familiar route to her favorite cafe for somewhere to be. Tegan stands in line amongst the tall business men ordering coffees, ready to ask for a chocolate milkshake. It isn't until after she finishes ordering that the girls whose eyes have been glued to her since she entered approach.

"Um, hi. You're Tegan Quin, aren't you?" One says while the other giggles. Tegan puts her happy face on, despite feeling like doing anything but smiling. They are sweet and polite, asking for a photo and a hug. Tegan does both and is left feeling awkward, as she still hasn't received her drink which would give her a reason to excuse herself.

"Where's Sara?" One of the girls asks and Tegan nearly immediately feels her smile slip.

"Um, not here." Tegan says and tries to laugh, it sounds fake. "Sara and I aren't together all the time. We actually live in completely different cities." She says, trying to deter the question by supplying them with trivial information.

"Oh no, we totally understand." The other says. "Who would want to spend all their time with their sister? God no. My sister is so annoying" She says chuckling with her friend, who dramatically agrees to emphasize their point.

"Yeah." Tegan says simply, focusing her eyes on nothing as if in a daze. She feels like she has just been punched in the gut as the realization hits her that she couldn't disagree more with the girl's statement when she thinks of her own sister. Flashes of Sara's smiling face and naked body invade her mind as she denies herself the idea, before she directs her attention back to the girls and nods awkwardly. As they thank her and say their goodbyes, Tegan forces another smile that does not reach her eyes, but they don't notice and Tegan is grateful. When they walk away the smile turns to a grimace and Tegan knows she is going to need a little more time before she'll be able to go home to her sister.

Spending the day blindly wandering through parks and libraries and incidental stores, when Tegan does arrive home it's around the time people would be finishing their dinners. She opens her own front door as quietly as she can, anticipating already that Sara is going to be angry and that she will be ready to yell, but she is only met with silence.

Tegan lets out the breath she is holding and walks toward her room to put her wallet, phone and keys down. She wanders in and throws them on the side table and it isn't until she is about to leave, that her attention is drawn to her bed by the sound of a mumble. Tegan slowly turns and looks to see that Sara is hidden beneath the sheets of her bed and has fallen into a deep sleep there. Tegan looks down, noticing now her shoes on the floor. Tegan isn't shocked to find her here, in a way she thinks she should have almost expected it. She walks over to Sara's sleeping body and studies her face. Before her sleeps the girl who has managed to ruin her life, but at the same time has made her feel more alive then ever before while doing it. She hears Sara sigh peacefully in her sleep and Tegan cannot stand to stay any longer, she knows soon she will be tempted to touch.

Tegan goes to the refrigerator and examines it's contents which is basically nothing. Tegan opts for the simple and easy meal of grilled-cheese sandwiches and begins taking out what she needs. It isn't until the sandwiches are cooked, cut and placed on her table waiting to be eaten, that Tegan finally goes to wake up Sara.

"Sara?" Tegan says from the doorway, feeling uncomfortable in her own bedroom. Sara does not respond in anyway so Tegan comes closer to the bed. "Sara? I made some food. For you. For eating." Tegan says, anxiously sighing. "Please just wake up already." Tegan begs quietly, but Sara stays asleep.

Reluctantly, Tegan approaches the bed. She reaches out her hand to give Sara a nudge when she wakes suddenly, grabbing at Tegan's outstretched hand and quickly sitting up panting. Sara looks up at Tegan and keeps her grasp firm where she has caught Tegan's wrist in her hand.

"I made you a sandwich. If you want." Tegan says, before slowly retracting her arm back to her body, forcing Sara to let go. Tegan looks away from Sara and lets her eyes wander the room. It is then that Sara remembers where she has fallen asleep and goes to open her mouth to offer some sort of fabricated explanation, but Tegan turns and exits the room before she can.

* * *

Sara slowly makes her way out to see Tegan sitting at one end of the table staring at her plate without moving. Sara does not say anything as she pulls out her chair and sits opposite her in front of her own sandwich. It isn't until Sara begins to eat that Tegan begins to eat too. They don't say anything to each other, they just eat their dinner in silence.

Upon swallowing her last bite, Sara begins to speak. "Where were you today?" She asks. Tegan stares at the crumbs on her plate as she answers.

"Nowhere in particular really." She says quietly.

"Oh." Sara says, she had hoped that perhaps Tegan had had an appointment or something substantial to do that would have kept her out of the house away from Sara, _other_ than just Tegan needing to be away from Sara.

Tegan just nods in response and keeps her head down, eyes on her plate.

"You probably should have bought some food while you were out. The place is empty." Sara says, trying to joke but even she herself isn't buying it.

Tegan doesn't respond and just stands up, collecting her plate and Sara's before heading over to the kitchen. She places the dishes in the sink, deciding on leaving them to clean for tomorrow and heads to the bathroom. Sara still sits at the now empty table, listening to the sound of Tegan brushing her teeth and what she assumes is her washing her face. With nothing better to do she heads over to the kitchen and begins to clean up the mess Tegan has left, including washing their dishes.

It is eerily quiet and Sara feels so out of place in Tegan's kitchen, actually she just feels out of place all together. Tegan and her have had fights before, big blow outs with screaming and crying. But never has Tegan treated her with such indifference then she had tonight. Sara knows that she is losing her, not only has she ruined the physical side of their relationship with her cold and aggressive manner, but she has also taken away the emotional bond between them.

Sara sits shivering on the couch in the dark, eyes wide open. Tegan has gone to bed but she cannot bear to make her way into the spare room. She had brushed her teeth and put on a loose t-shirt ready for sleep, but could not take a step toward the cold, empty bed. She knew why too. She wanted her sister again, just like she always does and the knowing of this makes her cry. She never asked for this, never wanted it. But here she is, sitting on her sister's couch thinking about touching her, while she sleeps innocently in the next room.

Sara slowly stands and walks the small distance to Tegan's room. The door is closed, but opens easily without a sound. She can see Tegan, lying on her back in the middle of the bed. She walks over to the bed and pulls the sheets off of Tegan, exposing her warm body to the cool air. Crawling onto the bed she positions herself over Tegan, looking at the familiar curves that she has sorely missed. Sara leans forward so her face rests at the meeting of Tegan's collarbones and neck. She inhales deeply and gently brushes the tip of her nose against the soft skin, relishing the feeling.

"Sara?" Tegan's voice interrupts the silence and Sara.

Sara slowly lifts her head up so it is level with Tegan's and gives her a pleading stare. She is so afraid that Tegan is going to make her leave and she doesn't think she will be able to hide how broken she really is if she does. The reflection of the moon's light allows Tegan to see the wet trails left by the tears on Sara's cheeks. Tegan slowly rolls them over so that she now lies over her sister's body. She grabs Sara's wrists in her hands and holds them over her head.

"We're going to do this.." Tegan says and lowers her hips slowly but firmly down against Sara, causing the smallest amount of pressure to be applied through their thin underwear. "We're going to do this, Sara." Tegan repeats, grinding again but harder.

"Please, please." Is all Sara can say as each of her breaths released becomes Tegan's to inhale from her open mouth.

"And then in the morning, we're going to talk." Tegan finishes.

Sara cannot argue and would not argue. She knows this has to happen. She feels like Tegan is all that she can ever see, hear, smell or feel. Both girls underwear is soaked as they rub themselves against each other. Tegan is in complete control with Sara's hands still pinned above her head. Sara would never usually allow this, but if she is honest with herself, Tegan has had a hold over Sara for a long time now.

"Okay, Sara?" Tegan asks, she needs to hear her agree to this.

Sara is only able to whimper. Tegan brings Sara's wrists together so she can hold them in one hand. With her now free hand, she trails it down Sara and separates their bodies by lifting her own, so she can pull her own underwear partly down her legs and then her sister's. She lowers herself again, her own bare flesh coming into contact with Sara's, unable to now distinguish her own wetness from Sara's as their dripping cores slide against each other.

"Okay, Sara?" Tegan says again through gritted teeth, her face inches away from Sara's.

"Okay, okay, okay." Sara repeats over and over.

Tegan leans down and places her lips on her sister's to stop her insistent chanting. Sara kisses her back desperately and Tegan uses her still free hand to cup one of her sister's breasts. With Sara's hands trapped above her head, she does the only thing she can do and just erratically moves her hips up and down off the bed against her sister's. Tegan roughly pushes Sara's t-shirt up to expose her chest and leans her head down to enclose one of Sara's hard nipples in her mouth. Rolling it with her tongue and finishing off by sucking, Sara turns to putty.

"Tegan, Tee." Sara gasps through heavy breaths as she feels her orgasm coming. Her sentence ends with a loud and deep cry, as when it hits it tears through her body so intensely all she can do is shake in her sister's arms. Tegan sits up but still holds Sara down, completely enamored by Sara's reaction. When Sara is able to think clearly again she forces her eyes open and stares up at Tegan with her wide eyes and swollen lips.

Tegan releases her arms now and drops her own carelessly beside her body. Sara slides her hands up Tegan's torso and removes her shirt, marveling at her breasts before sliding her hands lower, beneath Tegan's thighs that are still straddling her and then lifts them just a little. She slowly slides her body down the bed and it isn't until she is directly below Tegan's still impossibly wet center, that she removes her hands and allows Tegan to lower her hips so she is now straddling her face.

Tegan is both shocked and completely turned on at the same time that she cannot say anything. She sits comfortably on her sister's face and moans as loud as she wants as she feels Sara's tongue begin it's work. Wrapping her lips around Tegan's clit and jerking her head quickly from side to side causing throbbing ripples to shoot through Tegan's body, she is ready to collapse. From Sara's angle all she can see is the smooth plane of her sister's stomach and the underside of her heavy breasts, as Tegan has thrown her head back. But Sara is still able to tell that Tegan is coming. She can feel her clit pulsing beneath her lips and the muscles in Tegan's thighs clench around her face.

When Tegan feels herself calm down and stops shaking, she uses what she can of her jellied muscles to throw herself onto her back next to Sara. Sara reaches over and grabs her hand, resting it on top just like she had wished to do when they were on the bus. That's how they fall asleep. Tegan lying flat on her back, shirtless with her underwear still looped around one of her legs. Sara lying next to her, her shirt bunched up above her chest with her underwear pushed down her thighs. They are a mess and they know it as they fall asleep. Their hands are their only contact, still coiled together.


	13. Chapter 13

**_I haven't said it yet and for that I'm sorry, but thank you to all who read and comment on this. I appreciate you all so very much and I hope you enjoy._**

The girls lay still on the bed where they have woken. Both are trying to hide from the other that they are conscious, because as soon as they had opened their eyes they had remembered Tegan's words. _'In the morning, we're going to talk'._

Sara is beyond panicking. To her, this moment is inevitable. If she were a surgeon, this would be the moment where the patient has already been lost, and now it's just time to inform their loved ones. To her, she has already lost, and now it is time to inform her own loved one.

Tegan has been desperate for this conversation to take place for so long, but now even she is debating herself whether she should run or not, just slip out of the bed, but she turns to see Sara's eyes are open. Sara feels Tegan's fingers shift slightly beneath her fingers and so she too turns to see Tegan's very awake face. Tegan searches Sara's eyes for a moment, testing the waters to see whether Sara will stay true to her word and not avoid her again. This is what Tegan still fears, that Sara will escape from this once more by denying it means anything at all. Tegan can feel the dread build inside her chest at the thought of spending the rest of her life chasing a shadow of a feeling.

Sara eventually breaks their eye contact, letting her eyes glide over her sister's curves, her creamy porcelain skin, soft pink nipples that look so inviting. Sara knows Tegan is watching her stare, but there is no use in pretending she does not take pleasure in the sight of her exposed sister anymore. Sara sighs and stares back up at the ceiling, this could be the end of it all. She doesn't know what she is going to say to Tegan, but she knows Tegan isn't going to be satisfied unless she reveals all. But she deserves to hear it all. Doesn't she?

Sara feels the tugging on her hand and looks up to see Tegan is standing over her, pulling at their still entangled hands for her to also get up out of Tegan's blanketless bed. Sara hesitates for a moment, not sure as to whether she wants to follow Tegan. Getting up would mean she is ready to face the morning and Sara doesn't think she'll ever be ready for this morning and what it's going to bring with it. However, as she watches Tegan's underwear fall down to the ground now that she is standing upright and the way she simply steps out of them, Sara stands and begins to follow the now completely naked body of her sibling to the bathroom. Inside, Tegan removes Sara's shirt, pulls her underwear the rest of the way off and gently ushers Sara into the shower. Sara just follows along, allowing Tegan to do as she wishes, careful not to break the silence, as they both know that any talking this morning should be saved for when it counts.

Tegan washes Sara under the spray of the water. She is delicate with her every move, gently removing any evidence of last nights events from Sara's body but not from her mind. Sara stands still and watches Tegan's face as she does so, taking note of the slight changes in expression when her fingers close in on particularly personal areas and how those fingers linger. Sara has to close her eyes when it comes to the washing of her hair, but she can feel the ghost of Tegan's breath over her lips as she massages the lotion into her skull and she almost lets a small moan slip.

When it is her turn to touch Tegan, she feels awkward and slightly nervous. For someone so bold in the night, she feels so vulnerable under the fluorescent lights of the cheap bulbs and Tegan's unreadable and silent gaze. She knows this feeling is because of what is about to come and that her mind is just preparing already for how uncomfortable she is going to be. Sara bends down so she cannot see Tegan's face and starts at her ankles, slowly crawling the soaped sponge up Tegan's slim legs. When she reaches the inside of her thighs and allows her eyes to slowly drag themselves from the tiled floor to what's in front of her, she cannot help but bite her lip. She ignores just how aware her lower half has become of the situation and continues her work with the sponge. Fleeting thoughts about how her fingers and even her tongue have been deep inside of the meeting between Tegan's thighs cause her breathing to become unsteady, but she pushes on, for now is not the time.

Tegan closes her eyes and tilts her head back slightly when Sara buries her shampoo covered hands into her hair. While Sara's eyes stay glued to her sister's identical face. Some people cannot tell the difference between them, yet Sara does not see one ounce of herself in Tegan's features in this very moment. Even their bodies that are so similar, hold varying differences that only Sara could probably account for. Sara runs her hands through Tegan's hair as she rinses it under the water and keeps her fingers tangled through the short locks at the back of her neck. Sara has decided Tegan is not getting out of the shower without giving her a kiss. Whether or not this will be the beginning of many more kisses or the very last, Sara does not know. All she knows is she is getting one, just one.

Tegan opens her eyes when she realizes that Sara isn't letting go and examines her sister's expression. A foreboding but determined expression caresses her features. Sara pulls Tegan's face toward her own and places her lips directly over Tegan's. She pushes against her desperately, not moving, before finally opening her mouth encouraging Tegan to do the same. Sara pours everything she has into the kiss, all her uncertainties and fears as she touches and slides her tongue with her sister's. Then with all the strength she has, Sara pulls Tegan's face away, separating their ardent lips and they both exchange with each other one last look before exiting the shower.

Wrapped only in white towels, Tegan combs her hair while Sara brushes her teeth and they then swap. Both girls part only to dress themselves and then return to Tegan's room not five minutes later. They are quick and efficient, moving mechanically, not even bothering to kid themselves into avoiding the unavoidable. Tegan fears what is going to happen just as much as Sara, for she knows that the only way she can voice her realizations is if Sara offers her own first. Otherwise, Tegan knows that now or never will become never, and she will be left broken in her bed all over again.

As hard as it will be, if Sara does not speak up now, Tegan will never let her touch her again. No matter how much she herself would crave it, she could not go back to that. She could not live with herself if she went back to those emotionless fucks and the silence.

They sit on opposite sides of the bed, facing away from each other. Tegan is resigned to waiting it out, fiddling with a thread on her t-shirt as she waits for Sara's voice to discontinue the silence. Sara keeps her head down, staring at her shoes, she has to say something and she knows it. She felt the defeat that ran through her veins a long time ago when she gave up her cold, uncaring battle and gave in to her warm and infectious sister.

"I realized I was gay when one day I saw you undressing." Sara quietly begins. She does not know how else to tell Tegan, so she is just going to go back and start at the beginning. "I had just got home and I was walking past your room and into my own, when I saw you." Sara smiles slightly as she thinks back, letting the image she had labeled long ago as forbidden break free and surface as clear as the day she first saw it.

"I don't know how I had not noticed, but all of a sudden you had these curves and full breasts." Sara closes her eyes as to study the memory, Tegan would have been 14 at the time with her long hair caressing her rounded hips and gathering just above her cotton panty clad bum, the lowering sun from her bedroom window outlining her figure.

"I remember feeling... so ashamed, when I felt my stomach flip and that warm feeling pool and rush between my legs." Sara says opening her eyes again, her voice feeling painfully loud. "I convinced myself that it was only because you had a woman's body and that I was a hormonal teenager just figuring out I was gay that you made me so..." Sara pauses and swallows before continuing. "-wet. And I tried to never think of you like that ever again."

Silent tears are falling down Tegan's face as Sara speaks, but she does not dare to interrupt her, incase she stops and then never finsishes.

"I hated myself for it and would constantly find myself hating you. I pulled away from you and would never even let you touch me after that. But I did it to protect myself. I had to do it. I don't think I would have been able to stand it if I was able to touch you and wrap my arms around you, without also being able to do everything else." Sara can hear the sharp intake of breath from Tegan but does not turn to look at her, she needs to continue before she changes her mind and crawls back into her shell, taking the rest of her confession with her.

"It was so easy to project my disgust within myself onto you. It was so easy to be disgusted with you." Sara says, wringing her hands together in her lap. "Eventually though, you got sick of me pulling away and treating you like dirt and we began to fight all the time. And then I just reached this place where I felt so suffocated and trapped by it all, by you... You were everywhere, all the time. I could never get away and forget that feeling. That un-fucking-believable feeling that would leave me feeling so wrong and repulsive" Tears begin to finally break free and fall down Sara's own face as she remembers back. "That's why I eventually just left. As soon as we had the money I just moved away and I left you."

"I never knew." Tegan says through tears that have now become ones of anger. All this time Sara had felt it and she said nothing. "You left and then what? Just fucked me one night anyway?" She asks, the air is thick in the room and the only sound beside their voices to be heard is the constant and insistent ticking of the clock and the penetrating silence.

"No, I just.. I just, that night, I remembered, and I wanted you to remember me too." Sara says pathetically, aware that this probably does not make sense to Tegan.

"Well I never fucking forgot Sara." Tegan says angrily. "You are my sister and I have always loved you but never had I even let my mind go there! But after you straddled me that night in the hotel and shoved my hand down your pants, I couldn't think of you any other way." Tegan's voice becomes quieter as she continues, her anger fading. "Things made sense after that though, the feeling I'd get when sometimes you would just look at me, the guilty excitement I'd feel when you'd allow us to touch, the anger when you wouldn't. Those kinds of things were not something you shared with your sister." Tegan muses to herself more than to Sara. Sara nods from her side of the bed, understanding exactly what Tegan is talking about, having known what it is and feeling it for years.

"For so long I had thought you hated me, you know? When you would recoil away from me and ignore me." Tegan can feel herself getting worked up again. "I ended up just treating you the same, so I wasn't the only one feeling fucking pathetic for caring when you didn't." Sara feels Tegan's last statement slice through her heart like a knife.

"I did care, Tegan. You know I did." Sara says quietly. Without turning to face Tegan still, Sara continues. "I just couldn't handle being in love with my sister." Sara states it without any inflection or emotion, just as a simple, undeniable fact.

Tegan lets go of a breath she feels she has been holding for the entirety of the conversation and the weight she had been carrying on her shoulders for all those years too is lifted. "Yeah." She says through a sigh and nods her head in agreeance. Tegan lies back on the bed and Sara does the same, so their heads are side by side.

"Why us though? Why this?" Tegan asks, as they both stare at the ceiling. They have the feeling as if they have been hanging off the edge of a cliff for years with bombs strapped to their chests and only each other for company, and only have just been saved.

"We're 5 foot 2, we're gay, we're OCD, we're awkward, we have strange habits and select phobias, and we've been in and out of therapy our whole lives. Are you really surprised that it turns out we're even more fucked up than we originally thought?" Sara finishes.

Tegan lets a small, satisfied smile creep it's way onto her face. "No." She says.


	14. Chapter 14

Sara feels the prickling heat working it's way down her back as she lies on the bed. They haven't moved and have remained silent since Tegan last spoke. The dread that has enveloped Sara is familiar and almost natural as she lies still. Since the beginning she knew of this dread. This petrified feeling she knew she would succumb to is what she had been avoiding for all these years.

Being with Tegan, giving herself to Tegan, she always knew would leave her exposed. She has now given the power to her sister to break her, to crush her heart and to make her wish she had remained hiding behind a cold facade inside a hard, indifferent shell. She has finally given in and given her heart away, but this is something that should have been done all those years ago. This is something that has been long over-due. So this sense of dread that has blanketed her and that will stay coursing through her body and forever sleeping at the back of her mind, she welcomes.

Sara turns her face to look at Tegan, she has her eyes closed but can tell she is not sleeping. Tegan feels calm, she does not feel vulnerable like her sister, she feels validated. All those years of caring for her sister were not wasted on a one-way affection, Sara cared. Sara cared more than Tegan ever knew.

Tegan opens her eyes when she feels Sara's body shift next to her. Sara stands and walks around the bed to Tegan. She takes advantage of Tegan's position on her back and straddles her hips, placing her hands behind Tegan's head and urging her to sit up to meet her face to face. Tegan complies and they sit like that, staring each other in the eyes. Neither can act like kissing the other doesn't mean anything anymore, and so this makes this not their first kiss, but their first kiss of this kind.

Sara, with her hands still caressing the back of Tegan's neck, brings their faces closer. Drawing her own face in, Sara pauses just before their lips touch to give Tegan one last look, then allows their lips gently to collide. The kiss is slow and sensuous with little movement. There is no desperate frenzy, just the ardent pressure of lips being pressed together between two people who are more than just lovers.

Sara slowly peels their lips apart and keeps her eyes which had closed on their own accord during the kiss, shut for a moment longer, before letting Tegan's face once again flood her vision. Tegan licks her bottom lip without realizing and looks up at her sister's face hovering above her. Both cannot bring themselves to smile at each other. This is what they want, but it is by no means going to be a healthy relationship they are entering into. It cannot be.

Sara as she looks down feels overwhelmed. Staring back at her is not just her sister. She is the girl she has grown up with, fought with, cried with, laughed with, sang with, slept with, the girl she was born with. Yes, Tegan has the power to break her, to reduce her to her insecure and scared teenage self, but Sara has the power to do the exact same. They have been the only constant in each others lives and Sara is not sure as to whether they are ready for this, or if they will even be good at this, but it is too late now.

Sara leans down and wraps her arms around Tegan, pulling her body tight into her own. It's only a hug she is giving her, but it's something she has not given properly in a long time. Tegan hugs her back and they sit like that for a while, clinging onto each other, letting all their senses be taken over.

They know this is just the beginning, things are not all better, their problems are not fixed. There are different obstacles they are going to have to face now and they are going to be even more difficult for them to cope with. Because these are obstacles where neither one is at fault, and where neither one can fix for the other. So they hug each other tightly, albeit the things that are to come.

When Sara finally sits back, pushing Tegan's fringe out of her face she asks. "What do we do now?" As she twirls a strand of her soft hair around her finger.

"We go visit Grandpa." Tegan answers and begins to shift, indicating it's time for Sara to detach her body from her sister's.

Sara nods in response, despite the fact that that was not what she had meant.

* * *

They sit on the bus side by side, exactly like they had the day before. Once again they do not speak, even though once again there is words that need to be said, and once again Sara does not reach out and place her hand on Tegan's. Unlike yesterday though, Sara does not reach out to touch Tegan for a different reason.

She is not being a coward now, she just does not feel the desperate need she had yesterday. Tegan knows Sara cares and that's enough for right now. Even without her direct touch, Sara can feel the once denied pull between them. Through their body language, their deep-seated bond is screaming at her and so Sara is content with just sitting in Tegan's presence and listening.

Once they arrive at the hospital, Sara immediately goes in to see their grandfather, while Tegan stays and talks with her mother who has also come in to help Luke, as today he's going back home. Tegan stares at her mother as she talks and wonders what would happen if she was to interrupt and announce that she was in love with her sister. Surely their understanding mother would learn to accept it. But telling your mum you're gay is very different to telling her you're having sex with your sister, and Tegan feels the ache as she realizes this is going to be something she will never be able to share with her mother, to whom she usually tells everything.

Although Tegan has been harboring this secret for a long time now, she failed to realize that even when Sara and her became open with each other, they still wouldn't be able to be open about their relationship with anyone else. Rather than her failing to realize this, it was more that Tegan just had never thought that far ahead. If she is honest with herself, she never thought Sara and her would ever get to this point where they would truthfully sit down and talk with each other. She had been anticipating that either she would force herself to stop it all together, or would just forever remain in their once so compelling cycle.

"So, I suppose Sara's going home today." Sonia states, absentmindedly watching two little boys running and pulling each other through the halls of the hospital. They remind her of Tegan and Sara when they were young, always smiling and always together.

"I suppose." Tegan answers quietly, she did not want to think about it. What _do_ they do now?

Sara walks out just after Tegan answers and their eyes immediately find each others, before Tegan quickly looks away. Sara walks over to them slowly, curiously looking at Tegan while simultaneously listening to their mother.

Sara waits for Sonia to get distracted, looking down the hall, following the noise of the children. When she is sure she's not paying attention to Tegan and herself, she reaches her hand over to her sister and once again twists a lock of hair between her fingers before quickly letting go.

"I'm going in now." Tegan says afterward, leaving Sara with Sonia, without even so much as a sidewards glance.

Sara closes her eyes, Sonia is no longer talking so they just stand next to one another, listening to the distant hum of the world passing by them. Sara isn't sure what to think. She knows what is wrong with Tegan, but what she doesn't know is how she can make it better.

"You okay, Sara?" Sonia asks, noticing the pained expression on her youngest daughter's face.

Sara quickly puts her heart in a box. "Yes I'm alright, just tired." And she really is.

"Oh, wasn't Tegan's guest bed comfortable? I keep telling her that she needs to buy it a new mattress..." Sara begins to tune out, carefully taking her heart out of the box again, trying not to give away what she is doing. She cannot afford to let Sonia know her guard is down, she may just let the truth slip, because a large part of her wants to be honest.

It isn't until a question is directed quite obviously at her, that her ears perk up and she concentrates on her mother again rather than her sister.

"How have you been? I hadn't heard from you in weeks. Have you met anyone special?" Tegan walks out just at that moment, in time to overhear Sonia's question.

Sara glances pleadingly over to her sister for a second before answering. "No, no one special."

Sara can see the pain and then the shock that washes over her sister's features as their mum continues the conversation. Tegan knew they would have to lie, but she had not realized just how hard it would be and how much it would hurt.

"I thought perhaps that was it. You seem a little distracted like you have somebody on your mind." Sonia finishes, knowing her daughter quite well and so observing Sara curiously.

"No there's no-" Tegan abruptly turns and begins to quickly walk away. "No one. No one at all. Just me for now." Despite Sara's attempt at pretending Tegan's quite odd exit was nothing, Sonia's eyes follow the direction her eldest daughter has left in.

"What's wrong with Tegan?" Sonia asks, positively confused by both her daughter's behavior. It took Sara only a few moments before finding an excuse to feed her loving mother.

"She is a bit sensitive at the moment when it comes to talking about relationships and stuff, because of Lindsey and all. She'll be okay." Sara says, and due to Tegan's known fondness for the dramatics, Sonia swallows Sara's reasoning without even batting an eyelid.

Excusing herself to pretend to assume the role of just a caring sister rather than a concerned and very troubled lover, Sara finds Tegan immediately. She had not strayed far and is standing motionless where Sara had sat and watched Tegan outside the waiting room the day before.

"Tee?" Sara says quietly, approaching her slowly in case she might startle her and Tegan will run. Tegan looks up at Sara, not at all surprised that she has come to find her. Sara moves in close but does not touch Tegan.

"Tegan, what is it?" Sara asks, watching as Tegan stares at the ground and begins to chew her fingernails as if contemplating something.

"Are we... are we really going to do this?" Tegan asks, dropping her fidgeting hands to her side and staring Sara down.

"Well.." Sara says, briefly breaking eye contact for only a second as if to look for help, before re-establishing it once again. "The only other option we have is to..." Sara pauses, afraid of what she is about to say next. "..Is to not do this." Sara finishes awkwardly slow.

Tegan rubs her hand over her face and sighs, disappointed in the reality of the answer. Shaking her head at Sara and holding back tears, once again she walks away. Sara watches her hopelessly, dropping her head and then glancing to the side. She's standing in front of the doorway to the room Joan was put in. But as she looks inside, she sees the room is now empty.

She could fool herself into thinking that Joan moved rooms again, but so soon and in her condition she knows it could not be true. She will not however, think about what has occurred during the time after Sara had said goodbye to her. She did not know Joan. Who she was and what has happened to her now, Sara is content with letting it remain a mystery. She simply just takes note of her absence, sends her a kind thought, and more determined than ever, goes again in search for her sister.

* * *

"Tegan! Stop fucking walking away from me, okay? I can't fucking stand it so stop." Sara has found Tegan in the restroom, lost in thought, washing her hands at one of the basins.

Tegan looks over to Sara with wide eyes, reminding her of the times she would become afraid as a child during her parent's confrontations. "I'm scared, Sara. I just-" Sara cuts her off before she can finish.

"Good, I'm glad you are. Because I'm fucking terrified." Sara says with so much conviction and emotion in her voice. "But I do want to do this, and I want you to want to do this too. And I know it's going to be really hard, but when has anything been easy for us? So just stop walking away from me. Please?" Sara's voice has grown softer and so has Tegan's heart. This is the answer she wanted.

Tegan walks over to her sister, grabs her face and kisses her. They are both scared, but that is alright. Pushing Sara so her back hits the wall, the kiss turns heavy and heated. Rapid breaths are being stolen from each others mouths as they continue.

Just as Tegan's hand begins to slide down the front of Sara's jeans, the door to the restroom begins to open. Without missing a beat, Tegan roughly pulls Sara by the hand into one of the cubicles. Frozen and terrified, the girls remain completely still as they hear the person walk in and enter the cubicle next to them. Tegan is standing on the toilet seat, one hand pressed against the wall, the other resting on Sara's head to keep her steady. Sara sits below her, feet planted on the ground to avoid suspicion, hands holding onto Tegan's thighs that are essentially straddling her head.

They listen awkwardly as the woman goes about her business and it isn't until they hear her wash her hands and exit they allow themselves to continue to breathe. Sara looks up at Tegan feebly, this is all they need. Tegan is sure to take this badly, they've only been together for not even a day and here they are, hiding themselves in a toilet.

Tegan looks down at Sara too, her face is blank as she stares at her sister holding onto her thighs, sitting on top a toilet seat. The corner of her mouth soon begins to twitch and Sara is assaulted with one of Tegan's bright, gummy smiles.

Sara smiles back and they both begin to laugh, not stopping as they return to their mother, running and pulling each other through the halls of the hospital.


	15. Epilogue

_Hi everyone, thank you so much for your wonderful reviews. This is the last chapter of Don't Look. I hope you like it, I'm going to miss writing this story._

* * *

Tegan is crying, Sara can hear her soft, sobbing exhales as she enters the room. It is not the first time Sara has heard these same cries during the night when she is ready to slip between the covers and forget the world. And sometimes it is not Tegan who is the one crying.

Something has set Tegan off today, or maybe something hasn't. Maybe Tegan has just remembered and that has made her sad, spending your life hiding isn't something that you can just ignore. They go through periods of time where sneaking kisses and anticipating nights together are all just a part of their forbidden follies. Then they will go through some nights where they will just hold onto each other and cry. Sometimes the intense nature of everything and the strain of hiding will leave them fighting each other and screaming how they never want to see the other again. But then sometimes things seem alright.

Sara walks over to the bed and pulling the sheets up, sinks into the mattress and curls her body against her sister's, holding her shaking body.

During fights on tour, unable to get out of each others faces, it's easy for them to just grab each other by the hair and angrily fuck until all is forgotten. At times they have had big blow outs just at the end of tour though, and so have consequently gone their separate ways. But it hasn't been long before one turns up on the others doorstep.

"It's not f-fair." Tegan whispers shakily to Sara. Sara just holds on tighter and lets her own silent tear make it's way from her eye to soak into the pillow beneath her head.

Usually when they are not touring they will take turns in staying with each other. A month in Montreal, a month in Vancouver. But then sometimes they worry people are becoming suspicious, and so they both claim to be holidaying in completely different locations, but in actuality are just hiding together in a hotel for weeks on end. If one is only out at once, who is to know?

"Just not fair." Her body aches and quakes in Sara's arms.

It is during these times when they are once again face to face with their own dismal reality, that Sara completely allows herself to let go of her emotions, and so begins to whisper sweet nothings into her sister's ear. Words on how beautiful Tegan is, how she could never leave her and other rarely voiced confessions she lets fall from her lips. These words that no one is ever allowed to hear but Tegan, barely loud enough for anyone including themselves to hear, fill the room and their world as they clutch each other in the dark.

When Tegan turns over to face her, Sara automatically lifts her hand to her face to wipe away the left over tears. Sara does not like the reminder they leave her on her sister's cheeks, and so she tries to erase any traces from Tegan's face. They stare silently at each other for a short while, until Tegan cannot resist and leans forward and kisses Sara softly on the mouth.

They have tried thinking of compromises many times when they have been at their lowest points. Sara once suggested if it made Tegan happy, she could date someone else openly. But Tegan could not do that to someone and Sara had already made herself physically sick over the idea. Another time Tegan asked Sara if they should just forget the whole thing, but after some miserable weeks with others that could not compare nor satisfy, they came crawling back to each other.

Sara carefully rolls her body so Tegan is underneath her and smiles. Her smile shows a mixture of love and painful truth. Sara cannot offer Tegan anymore than she already has and Tegan cannot offer Sara anymore just the same. All there is is each other. No chances of a wedding, no prospects on children, no thoughts on just holding each others hand while walking down the street, nothing. They have always known this and have accepted that always this is what they must be, a secret.

Tegan leans up and catches Sara's lips with her own, cupping her face in her hands, until eventually hands become everywhere and clothes become nowhere. They easily slip two fingers into each other, familiar with the others body but always under so much restraint in their everyday lives to be able to revel in the familiarity of it.

They slide their bodies against each other as they bring each other closer. Tegan is still slightly sobbing, but Sara can tell it's just the last of her cries leaving her body and that the sadness shall not grip Tegan's heart for at least a while now. For at least until she is reminded again of their afflictive circumstances.

Tegan comes first, but Sara is soon following at the feeling of Tegan gushing onto her already soaked digits so that it rushes down to pool in the palm of her hand. Sara rides out her own orgasm until her muscles can take no more and lets her tired body rest against Tegan. She can feel the sweat from Tegan's warm body becoming indistinguishable with her own and smiles at the thought. Soon however, remembering the wetness covering her palm, Sara removes her fingers from her sister's warmth and marvels at the state of her slick hand, before bringing it to her mouth to clean but mostly to taste.

Tegan watches from below, Sara is taking such care in savoring as much of her as she can. Tegan gets that intense feeling she always does when Sara allows her to see how much her body pleases her and feels her whole body slow down for the moment. Tegan brings her own hand up to her face and looks it over, she too can see the remains of Sara's excitement all over her fingers.

Sara stops what she is doing when she notices what Tegan is inspecting. She doesn't know why, but now she feels slightly embarrassed at just how eagerly she was licking what was left of her sister from her own hand, but the feeling soon dissipates when Tegan puts both her fingers into her mouth and begins to suck and swirl her tongue around them.

When she is done, Sara gives her the smallest of grins, still aware that life will never be even a little close to perfect. But Tegan gives her a wide smile back, as if in answer, telling her that at least here and right now it is. Sara leans down and places one last kiss on Tegan's lips, letting her tongue slip into her mouth until she is satisfied that their tastes have been introduced to each other and become one blend of the two.

Their secret they hold, Sara once compared to one they shared when they were seven. During a fight, Sara told Tegan she hated her and in retaliation, bleary eyed from crying, Tegan threw a ball at Sara's head. It missed completely and bounced off a tree breaking their next door neighbors window. They both promised each other that they would not tell on the other and that no one would ever know what went on that day, the words exchanged included. They wrote that day off and made up a story of how they instead spent the day together in the park.

At seven they felt like it was a huge secret they both shared, but they promised each other they would be the only ones who knew and so the promise was always kept. Sara told Tegan that their relationship was the same, just like the broken window, and that they were to be the only ones who were to ever know. And in a way that comforted Tegan, she could pretend that what they were doing was just another of the secrets held between the sisters, just like any other from their past. In her head that's what Tegan has to remind herself she is doing when she lies to her friends, to her mother, she's just protecting her and her little sister and keeping a promise. As time passes they spend a lot of time in their fabricated park now.

Sara finds her side of the bed and pillow and lies comfortably on her back welcoming sleep. Tegan does the same, lying on her stomach, sprawling half her body over Sara. Soon Sara knows she will fall asleep and then too soon after that she knows she will be yet again woken. Something is wrong if Tegan doesn't get up at least once to visit the bathroom during the night.

At first Tegan's sleeping habits Sara could not stand. Tegan always is half on top of Sara in her sleep and constantly waking her up when she gets up to pee. Sara had told her just how irritating she found it and was always complaining, but even if Tegan started the night off on her own side of the bed, she would end up attached to Sara in some way by morning, which meant Sara always felt it when Tegan left the bed. They are still sisters despite the nature of their relationship now, and Sara can still discover things about Tegan to be annoying. Although this annoyance does come with a warm, in hindsight appreciation, all of Tegan's strange habits do.

One night when they were staying at Sara's, a friend decided to visit and they had pretended that so had Tegan. Tegan slept on the couch, Sara slept in what was now dubbed one of their beds, and their friend was on the air mattress. Sara remembered lying in bed for hours and not being able to close her eyes once. It took her all night to realize what she was waiting for. The weight of her twin sister's body being spread out on top of her own had become such a constant that Sara no longer remembered how to sleep without it. That night, without the familiar contact and the interruption of Tegan padding out of the room to use the toilet, only to throw herself back over her again, there was no peace to Sara's sleep.

Sara had originally thought that perhaps she had just gotten so use to it that somehow now she needed it. But when she really thought about it, Tegan's body feels familiar and almost natural tangled with her own and she supposes that's because it originally was. She just had to remember and stop fighting it, it is okay now. Maybe it will never be okay for them to share it with others, but it is okay for Sara to allow herself to feel it. Because she does feel it and Tegan feels it too, and the feeling is beautiful and always should have been.

Just as Sara is about to succumb to sleep and lift her arm to place it gently around Tegan's body resting against her chest, she feels her shift and watches as her naked silhouette trudges out of the room in the direction of the bathroom. Sara looks out into the empty hallway, shivers slightly from the loss of warmth, and waits.


End file.
